Rock of Love

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Cheeseburger in Paradise

The remaining girls get a note from Bret about their next destination: "Rise and Shine my Gorgeous 9. Bright Lights and Big Cities lay ahead. The tour rolls to Chicago where you will watch me play and I will watch your every move. Make sure to dress to impress for the big show. See you in the Windy City!" I don't know why random shit is capitalized like the Bret Mail is in German or something. Taya is psyched about the "dress to impress" instruction, and says that this is going to be hot. The dressing to impress happens on the bus, and involves a lot of lace-up see-through underwear. Marcia asks Beverly if she'd like to do a shot, and Beverly declines saying that she'd like to stay "not fucked up." See how she's leaving herself some leeway in her intentions, there? Marcia doesn't mind drinking alone. And drinking alone. And drinking alone. She moons the girls on the other bus, because her crack is whack.

In Chicago Bret is playing -- you guessed it -- a casino! The girls walk through the slot areas in their freaking lingerie like a bunch of crackhead gambling addict hookers who don't know or care that it's 11 a.m. and they've left the house without putting on pants or a shirt. They enter the empty concert hall where Bret is on stage, strumming his acoustic. He is wearing a camouflage high-necked Poison wifebeater. In fact, it almost looks like a mock turtleneck, which is not very rock n' roll at all. He drops a surprise on the girls -- it's time for the roadie challenge. He introduces them to his long-time stage manager, Joey Stumpo. He looks like a stumpo, conveniently enough. Joey's job is to make sure that the girls complete their challenge and remain unharmed. Taya points out that they're not dressed appropriately for this challenge whatsoever, which is probably the point. As my friend Matthew pointed out, it's their stupid-skank fault for thinking that lingerie is impressive apparel. The girls will divide into two teams, and each team will dismantle a stage and bring everything out to a trailer. Stumpo gives the girls boots to help ward off injury. Oh, man, someone is totally going to pop another implant. Taya tells us that this is her challenge. She grew up around her dad (OMG MAYBE BRET IS HER DAD!!!!) in bands, and knows how to strike a stage.

To determine teams, the girls have to draw colored picks. There is one special green pick, which Marcia gets. Team one is Ashley, Beverly, Brittanya and Natasha. Ashley hopes that having two dudes on her team will give them an edge in the challenge. Team two features Taya, Farrah, Mindy and Kelsey. The winning team gets VIP treatment at Bret's concert, along with a skankoriffic date the following day. The losing team gets nothing. Marcia, as the green pick picker, automatically gets VIP treatment along with the winning team. As a bonus, she gets a continuous nipple blur! All class, that one. The challenge begins. Mindy has an immediate crisis, which is that she has to pee really badly. Unless she's so shitfaced that she's soiling herself and putting everyone at risk for an electrical fire, no one wants to hear it.

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Rock of Love




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