Rock of Love

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Season 1 Reunion

It's the Rock of Love reunion show! Hosted by Riki Rachtman of Headbangers Ball! What, Nina Blackwood was unavailable? Riki tells us that six months ago (nine months now), Bret Michaels opened his bachelor pad and his heart to twenty beautiful women. But none of them would have him, so he had to settle for a televised romp with twenty skanks. One "lucky" girl was crowned Bret's Rock Of Love. What does that even mean? Tonight, there will be lots of confrontation, and Bret and his lady love will see each other for the first time since filming ended! And let me assure you, it will be good times.

Riki introduces the Rock of Love girls, including the ones we forgot all about. Oh, and Big John! A lot of devil horns are made. And then Riki introduces Bret, who actually has a lot of credits to his name. Twenty-five million records sold, yadda yadda. He is wearing copious amounts of foundation and eyeliner and, leaving nothing to chance, totally has a wig on under his bandana. It has, like, long layers and there are two pieces pulled so they fall over his bandana to frame his face. He's, like, the gayest-looking homeless man I've ever seen. Riki says that this show was one of the highest rated in VH1's history, and Bret is a bigger star now than he ever was. I, er, um, well, cough. Bret says that the girls made the show huge. True that, dicksucker whorebag.

Riki notes that the love story between Bret and Jes wasn't the only one happening in the house. Yes, we get to relive the BFF-ery that transpired between Brandi C. and Kristia. It is a story involving lots of boobs, set, you will be surprised to learn, to the tune of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Can't someone develop a thornless rose, so then we can run up to Bret, wave it in his face and go, "HA! Wrong again." Brandi and Kristia take the stage, and Riki and Bret encourage them to put their boobs together if any deep thinking is required. It was funny when the girls said it, less so now. Kristia tells us that she and Brandi couldn't stand to be apart, and so are now roommates. They also took a road trip and broke down on the border of Utah and Wyoming on a Sunday, and no one would help them. I would think the Mormons couldn't wait to get their hands on these fertile-looking creatures. Brandi C. and Kristia took a video camera on their trip, but apparently didn't know how to use it and so got no footage. Riki talks to them like they're retards. Which, I guess you can't judge him too harshly for that. They're wearing homemade wedding dresses, in case Bret changes his mind and wants to take off for Vegas. They also reveal that they share the same bed a lot, then prattle on with a story that no one is listening to because of the tidbit that's just been revealed. Riki stumbles over his words, and Brandi C. tells him and Bret that if they put their boobs together, they can think better. Ha! Funny again. Bret and Riki pretend like they're going to rub chests, but then don't, because that would be gay or something.

Next to be featured is Rodeo! Woo hoooo! We relive how she felt Bret in her soul, through the hand, and how she freaked the fuck out about the kid that she abandoned while she went on national TV. Oh, and then Bret gave her his hat when he let her go with dignity. And she still has the hat! It's why children love her, after all. Or it's all about the music. Or she uses it to carry around her L.A. Kids. I don't know. She and Bret hug and then she yells, "Rodeooooo, baby!" Riki asks how hard it was to leave the show in that way, and Rodeo says sometimes you have to put your family first. However, she never gave up on Bret and couldn't shake him ever after she was gone. With a quivering voice, and hooters that are barely contained by the strip of, like, bric-a-brac she's wearing under her suit jacket, she says she fell for Bret on the show, and still feels for him a lot. If it doesn't work out with Jes, Rodeo wants Bret to give her a second chance if he is able to. Bold! Bret reiterates that he let Rodeo go because she needed to spend time with her boy, but he still really likes her a lot and she is an awesome human being. My guess is that that's code for, "No, I don't think I'll be doing that." Bret gets up to hug her, and she clutches onto him like a cat hanging on your sweater and totally gets the crazy eyes. Riki asks Rodeo what she has planned for the future. She's making organic barbeque sauce and clothing. And I mean, of course she is. Riki makes fun of her for plugging sauce after her emotional moment with Bret. Your baby ain't sweet like mine, Riki. Rodeo's got sauce.

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Rock of Love

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