Rock of Love

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Season 1 Reunion

Next up, we have a girl who left with an even bigger bang -- Sam. She and Bret bonded over music, but she just couldn't hang with the skanks in the house. Sam was too sensitive. When Bret let her go, they played slurpy tonsil hockey. Bret tells Riki that he did have feelings for Sam. They hug, and she's, like, three feet taller than him. That added to Bret's turn-me-on factor. Riki says that Sam looked happier when she left than she'd been her whole time on the show. She says that a part of her wanted to stay, because she was developing feelings for Bret. However, it wasn't what she expected. Maybe, she says, it's because she's old-fashioned, but she was expecting a mental connection. Oh, Sam. Looking for mental connections in all the wrong places. She didn't want to find love with a man who was making out with other girls, and didn't think Bret would be sleeping with Lacey or having a threesome with the girls. She realized it was not the place for her, because she would not be able to trust Bret on tour. Alls Bret can say is that Sam gave him a great fuck-you goodbye kiss, and in some sick way, it was an awesome moment between the two of them, because it acknowledged that in another world, things might have been different between them. Yes, in a world where they sell Prozac at the wig store, these two crazy kids might have a chance. Bret is looking super-haggard, despite all the pancake. He gets to go offstage for a few minutes, because a very special guest is coming up.

Riki promises us it's going to get good, and says that whenever voices were raised or women were crying, one thing was certain -- Lacey was probably making it happen. We get a manipulative vindictive dicksucker whorebag montage, and Lacey comes out looking more like Varla Jean Merman than ever. Riki notes that when people talk to him about the show, they have one big question -- what's up with Lacey's dad? HA! Lacey says the big argument that she and Heather had in front of their parents was tough, but it's not like she's out there [pointed look at other girls] DOING PORN. Riki's response? "But you were there DOING BRET!" He gets one point for that. Lacey says that's true, but she's a thirty-one-year-old adult. We cut to a disgusted-looking and collagen-injected Tamara. She still has not figured out how to curl her bangs. And, I mean, she's been trying since 1986. Riki asks if Lacey was there for Bret or to promote herself. She says she felt a bond toward Bret and wanted to be his friend and ally. Lacey gave the other girls a hard time, she says, because she knew they were bad for Bret and would cause trouble in his life. All she did was expose that, and she enjoyed being the catalyst in the house. She says that she had plenty of alone time with Bret, and when he was with her, the other girls were the last thing on his mind.

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Rock of Love

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