Rock of Love

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The Best Dorito We've Ever Tasted

Inside a certain L.A. bachelor pad, nothing is happening. That's because Bret Michaels isn't home. He's on tour, terrorizing -- or, as it were, "rocking his way across" -- America. Remember "Hands Across America?" It's like that, but with genitals. Hey! And there's the man himself! Judging by the amount of pancake and eyeliner that Bret is sporting, this season is sponsored by Mary Kay. Bret says that after two seasons of coming up empty-handed in his quest to find his one true rock of love, he started to wonder what the hell he was doing wrong. Oh, Bret. How much time do you have? And then it hit him, like the brass knuckles in the kisser we've all longed for. He spends 300 days of the year on the road rocking, rolling, and partying. You can verify this if you look at the entertainment schedule of a minor casino near you! There's nothing like watching dog races to the tune of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." So this time, Bret's taking the show on the road. And you know, I remember reading an interview with Bret a while back where he said that he wanted to do a show that depicted what life on tour was really like. VH1 execs obviously replied, "Sold, if we can throw in a score of skanks." And lo, it came to pass. Only one girl can be Bret's rock of love... three.

And wait! This season is replete with a new theme song! "Please let me introduce myself / I'm gonna get you off like there's no one else / Please let me be your flesh and blood / Your dirty secret / Your rock of love / Rock of love." I don't know. It has none of the je ne sais quoi of "Touch my backstage pass."

Without further ado we're in Louisville, Kentucky, at Coyote's Bar. A vaguely southern blonde with a shiny face and giant knockers tells us that if somebody messes with her, they're in for it, and she's going to win Bret's heart. Then there's a pretty girl with dimple piercings who says she's cool and fun and everything a guy would want, and it's okay if she's "a little bit not too smart." Another blonde with giant knockers says that she's been grooving on Bret since the fourth grade, and also is into bondage. A somewhat more mature and normalish looking brunette wonders what the blonde bimbo hell she's walked into. I hope she's up to date on all of her vaccinations. She can smell the tension burning. Um, that's not tension. She says that the whole situation is a pressure cooker waiting to blow. Um, that's not a pressure cooker.

Meanwhile, Bret tells us how he has everything... except the right woman! Rock n' roll is the reason for, and ruin of, all of his relationships. Nice to see they slightly edit the cue cards for him each season. It doesn't suck to have hot groupies, but Bret is looking for someone he can come home to -- a best friend he can goof around with, a love he can get hot-nasty-dirty-crazy with, someone who will be patient with his passion for music, and someone who will understand and get what his life is about. And in a "Save the Best for Last" moment, Bret is totally going to realize at the end of the season that Big John has been The One all along. Sometimes the snow really does come down in June. Bret then says, and I quote, "And I swear to you, if I do not find the right woman this time, I am giving up." I WANT IT IN WRITING.

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Rock of Love

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