Anyway, in his heart, Bret feels like he has a connection to Lacey, and the fact that she's crazy for him lets him know where she stands. Or kneels. Mia's gone. She's super-sad, especially since bitches like Lacey and Heather got to stay. Whom would you rather take home to your family, she asks? Lacey or Mia? Heather or Mia? Jennifer Love Hewitt is going to rock the shit out of this wussy melodramatic crying scene in The Rock of Love Story. To wit, "Go ahead. IF that's what you want, then go." Really, she is just not right for Bret. I mean, she should take that as a compliment. But still. Bret interviews that Lacey might be crazy, but he digs her and she fights for her man. And, the producers told him to keep her. I mean, right? If she were pretty, it would be one thing, but it's obvious they're just keeping her around for the drama. The blow jobs are like a bonus freebie. Lacey feels victorious, and says that the other girls better watch out. Yeah, yeah, we know.
Next week: Superfans. And the tattoo that rocked America. In the meantime it's...
Bret's half-hearted boner countdown. He did scratch his balls when he saw the pictures of Heather and Brandi, but I'm not sure that there was actually any boner to speak of. There really isn't here, either, but I'm getting desperate. This one is just kind of gross. Maybe we need to wage a write-in campaign to revive Bret's boner?
14. "I was having an awesome time with Jes. We got there on the beach. It was beautiful, it was sunset, it was romantic. We got to suck face, which is always a good thing."