Rock of Love

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Previously: Heather and Lacey's plan to make Sam jealous worked, but their attempts to get her booted fell short when Bret sent Magdalena home. And everyone hated Lacey, per usual. Whenever I write "Lacey," it should just be understood that it means, "Lacey (Who is universally hated. By everyone. Except Heather. FOR NOW.)"

It is morning. Bret interviews that he notices some of the girls are stepping their game up, but some need a little help. One of these is Mia, who has been too busy whispering with ghosts to stand out of the crowd. Over the next few days, Bret has some "serious work in the studio." Did they give him a job cleaning and stuff? Because that's totally nice. Don't ever say Don Was isn't charitable to the needy. While he's gone, though, Bret has big plans for the girls. Brandi tells Jes and Mia about her dream where Bret wanted to boot Lacey, but she kept hanging around and stalking him. Jes points out that this is actually reality. She interviews that Lacey is a malicious, manipulative bitch, and we are reminded of how she threw Jes into the pool. Lacey interviews maliciously, manipulatively, and bitchily, that the other girls had better watch out, because they have targets on their backs.

Bret Mail! "What's going on my sexy six! / Sorry I can't be there to love on you chicks / Better get ready because today anything goes / It's time to rock the camera and strike a pose." Sam tells us that she does a lot of modeling for her friends who are photographers. Or, "modeling" for her "friends" who are "photographers." She thinks she has what it takes to become America's Next Top Skanky-Looking Hair Metal Chick. The girls head to a studio that has clothes, a big old car, and props including PVC police hats and cages with furry rugs. This is exactly what you find when you answer one of those sketchy newspaper ads that say "Models wanted." I expect Tyra to burst in with a televised intervention.

Celebrity photographer Evo Lopez introduces himself as an old friend of Bret's. He tells the girls that today, they'll be shooting album covers. Lacey, who, in case you forgot, is the musician of the house, says she's got this because she knows album covers. And has, in fact, already posed for the cover of the classic Poison album Open Up and Say...Ahh! There are two teams: Jes, Lacey, and Sam; and Brandi, Heather, and Mia. For each team, one girl will be the creative director and two will be models. The creative director of the winning team will get a solo date with Bret, while the models will get a tandem date. Look at Evo Lopez, coining the term "tandem date." As with tandem skydiving, you're strapped on to something, I guess. The teams have one hour to prepare and one hour to shoot, and are charged with representing Bret and taking his brand to the next level. The obvious theme? Jiz n' Wigs. You could go in a lot of creative directions with that, I think. Jes is the creative director for her team, and Mia, gunning for the solo date, volunteers to be the creative director for hers. Mia proposes a theme of "innocence," which Heather shoots down, saying they're doing a theme of "sexy." Well, that's original. And such a stretch for Heather! She picks out the skankiest-looking hot pink underwear set and stretches herself across the car like a low-rent Tawny Kitaen. And really, when did you ever think you'd read the words "low-rent Tawny Kitaen"? That's, like, beyond subsidized housing. Mia is frustrated.

Meanwhile, Lacey tries to dominate her team as well. There might be more to this as she is really gunning for a "dominance/submission" theme. She is sad that a friend's band already used the album title Sex Reflex, so they can't. Jes thinks that Lacey is a spewer of crackhead ideas. For real. Eventually this team settles on a "good verses evil" theme, with Lacey being perfect for the devilish part. We go back to the other team, where Heather is supposed to look sexy but, as Mia says, is maybe veering on the edge of drag queen. Girl, please. A self-respecting drag queen would have those linebacker shoulders surgically removed. Brandi suggests that one of them dress as a man. She volunteers, and says that she can be changing Heather's tire. And then we'll all want to sleep with her! The world really IS just like Bret says. Wait, nix that. We MIGHT want to sleep with her if she didn't look like a really skanky version of Joseph from a fifth-grade trailer-park nativity play. There is no doubt, however, that she knows how to rock a sock down her pants.

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Rock of Love

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