Anyhoo, the girls will be divided into three teams of four, and they'll have to protect a creepy-looking baby doll wearing sunglasses, a bandana, and cowboy hat. Yes, it's Baby Bret. He likes to nurse, like, a lot. Each team has to get Baby Bret, who rides in a stroller, around the roller derby track three times. To make the whole ordeal more challenging, there will be another team of women trying to stop them and hurt little Baby Bret -- it's the L.A. Derby Dolls, featuring America's sweetheart Lacey Conner! She skates out and says, "What's up, skanks?" which is pretty much the only thing she's allowed to say in her uneventful cameo. If the other girls were thinking, they'd burst into a rousing chant of "Dicksucker whorebag!" in welcome. We get a little montage featuring Lacey poking Dallas in the forehead, which I maintain is one of the most chilling moments in reality TV history. Jessica can't believe that the conniving slut Lacey is there. Inna Tuna says that she'd like to skate over Lacey's face. To which I say: DO IT. Baby Bret is specially designed to measure trauma, so the team which gets around the track with the least amount of damage to the baby gets a date or dates with Bret. The Blue team is: Aubrey, Angelique, Kristy Joe, and Inna Tuna. Kristy Joe used to speed-skate, so is feeling pretty confident. The Red team is Jessica, Roxy, Peyton, and Ambre. Ambre is a pro at rollre dreby, I am sure. The Pink team is Daisy, Megan, Destiney, and Catherine. Every time I see Catherine I think she's, like, a hologram. Seriously, I expect to see Larry Hagman saddling up alongside her or something.
The girls suit up in their roller derby gear, and Catherine and her team strategize. She hadn't really talked to any of the girls on her team previously, but says that they bonded as they discussed how to protect Baby Bret. Kristy Joe thinks that, as she's good on skates and no one else seems very stable, her team stands a good chance. In any case, it's time for the Stroller Derby to begin. Bret turns it over to referee Marlene Diebitch, who is there on behalf of her colleagues Greta Garho and Katharine Rugburn. And seriously: these roller derby girls are built like tree trunks. I would be running for my life right now. The girls all will get a head start on the L.A. Derby Dolls, and once a team has completed their third lap Baby Bret will be given to Dr. Franklin, Doctor of Doll Traumology (not an actual doctor). He might or might not be the same guy who measured the blood flow to Little Bret (not to be confused with Baby Bret) during last season's "Talk Dirty To Me" challenge. The team whose baby has the least trauma will win.