Rock of Love

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Stroller Derby

Back at the house, Kristy Joe tells Catherine that her teammates said her maternal instincts and skating didn't come through for them, and they were disappointed. She's sort of laughing when she says it, but doesn't seem to follow it up with, "Oh, I'm just kidding." When Catherine gets offended, Kristy Joe just replies that that's what they said. Even though this whole thing is so stupid, Kristy Joe is in for a world of hurt.

The date continues with a performance from burlesque dancer Dakota. She's, like, a speed dancer. Both Bret and Angelique think she's sexy, even if, Angelique points out, she leaves her clothes on. Well, some of her clothes. Turns out Dakota is going to give the ladies some instruction. Angelique just wants to get nekkid, but Dakota tells her that this is all about the art of the tease. Angelique says she knows all about this, probably because she thought she heard Dakota say this was all about farting with ease. Inna Tuna does her burlesque dance first. Bret thinks she's a sexy meatball, even if she can't dance for crap. If you've ever wondered what Fiona from Shrek would look like writhing around on the floor, I suggest watching this scene closely. Aubrey is next and ready to impress. Bret thinks she was really good. If you've ever wondered what Mr. Peanut would look like in a satin gown and thigh high boots without his monocle, this is another segment worthy of the slo-mo treatment.

And then there's Madame Thenardier. Yes, she deserves her own paragraph. She begins, and Bret kind of grimaces. We then see her turn around; cut to Bret, who says to Inna Tuna, "She does have a nice ass, though." The "though" is so telling. Angelique writhes around topless, and then, as one might expect, it's time for the underwear to come off. Inna Tuna and Aubrey are not enjoying it. And, like, they've just seen things that no living creature should ever have to see. They've probably even contracted syphilis of the eye. What's Bret's take on all this? Well, he thinks Angelique's body is smoking hot, and he loves her free spirit. However, he thinks she's either a straight-up hot sexy exhibitionist, or possibly has a screw loose. Looking at her face, I'd say she has multiple screws loose. For her part, Angelique knows Bret wants her so bad. When she's done with her performance -- which, maybe she's actually some sort of genius feminist performance artist? Like the second coming of Annie Sprinkle, and this intimate tête-à-tête with her cervix is for our own good and we're all supposed to feel empowered now? -- Bret has to encourage the other girls to have some respect and give Angelique a round of applause. Dakota and Ivan Kane have to give the group a talking-to, as girls really aren't supposed to get naked at Forty Deuce. It's all soup to Angelique, who just can't keep her clothes on. The date is over.

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Rock of Love

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