Bret and Heather return from their date. Bret says that looking at his name tattooed on Heather's neck made him feel close and romantic. He doesn't want to lose this special lady. One can only hope that Heather is a fan of bratwurst and that an "e" is easily changed to an "a." Heather returns home to find the other girls in a very somber mood. Still, she wants to show off her tattoo. The other girls can't believe it. Let's let Jes sum up, shall we? "What kind of a dumb bitch gets a guy's name tattooed in her neck, for her first tattoo, and she's not even technically dating him? This bitch has lost her fucking mind." Maybe she should write the recaps.
Bret talks to his superfans, and tells them that, for him, it's Brandi and Sam who are on the fence. He hasn't put his finger on Brandi yet -- I mean, metaphorically -- and Sam is, of course, super-sensitive. The supersluts like her a lot, though, and tell Bret that their bottom two are Brandi and Lacey. They think Lacey is the one who should go. Bret really isn't surprised, given how everyone on earth and at least two distant planets hates Lacey. Bret is going to take what they said under advisement, but also has to consider his own feelings. Oh, great.
Eliminations! Jes is feeling confident and praying that Lacey goes home. Sam acknowledges her episode and says she doesn't want to be on the show, but that she does want to be with Bret. Lacey is a little worried, and feels like the girls in the house have won. Oh, how we wish. Bret emerges wearing a slimming back ensemble. Heather gets called first. She is wearing glitter eyeshadow and -- though you might not believe this is possible -- her dress is slit to her underboob. And backless. I think that thing does the stripping for you. The light blue color is nice, though. It kind of tones down the brassiness of her skin. Jes interviews that it might not happen tonight, but she guarantees that, in a couple of days, dumb bitch Heather is going to regret the tattoo. And, I may add, it is going to be spectacular.
Jes is called next. Those two are really the obvious frontrunners from midseason on. Jes says that the more she falls for Bret, the happier she is to be there, and that she just wants to keep going. NOW who's the dumb bitch, eh Jes? Brandi is called next, and Bret says that the supersluts at first felt strongly that she should go, but came around. This of course leaves Lacey and Sam in the bottom two. Bret says that it's the toughest decision he's made so far. He calls Lacey to him. He tells her that he's sorry for what she went through today, and everything that they've been through. What? He's like the whole toolshed. Bret asks whether Lacey is willing to stay in the house one more day and rock his world. She starts tearing up and nods. In the words of Jes, "Are you kidding me? Oh boo fucking hoo, Lacey." I will give Bret Michaels this: he somehow had the foresight to know that if he kept Lacey around long enough, he would stumble upon one of the greatest reality TV moments ever. Oh, it's coming, bitches.