Rock of Love

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Eliminations! Jes is feeling confident and praying that Lacey goes home. Sam acknowledges her episode and says she doesn't want to be on the show, but that she does want to be with Bret. Lacey is a little worried, and feels like the girls in the house have won. Oh, how we wish. Bret emerges wearing a slimming back ensemble. Heather gets called first. She is wearing glitter eyeshadow and -- though you might not believe this is possible -- her dress is slit to her underboob. And backless. I think that thing does the stripping for you. The light blue color is nice, though. It kind of tones down the brassiness of her skin. Jes interviews that it might not happen tonight, but she guarantees that, in a couple of days, dumb bitch Heather is going to regret the tattoo. And, I may add, it is going to be spectacular.

Jes is called next. Those two are really the obvious frontrunners from midseason on. Jes says that the more she falls for Bret, the happier she is to be there, and that she just wants to keep going. NOW who's the dumb bitch, eh Jes? Brandi is called next, and Bret says that the supersluts at first felt strongly that she should go, but came around. This of course leaves Lacey and Sam in the bottom two. Bret says that it's the toughest decision he's made so far. He calls Lacey to him. He tells her that he's sorry for what she went through today, and everything that they've been through. What? He's like the whole toolshed. Bret asks whether Lacey is willing to stay in the house one more day and rock his world. She starts tearing up and nods. In the words of Jes, "Are you kidding me? Oh boo fucking hoo, Lacey." I will give Bret Michaels this: he somehow had the foresight to know that if he kept Lacey around long enough, he would stumble upon one of the greatest reality TV moments ever. Oh, it's coming, bitches.

This, of course, means that Sam goes home. Heather is glad, since she thinks Sam is pathetic. It's killing Bret to let go of Sam, but he knows that what they're going through in the house is one tenth of what they'd go through in the real world. The supersluts thought Sam had the biggest soul there, but felt that it would make her snap. Oh, don't put it on the supersluts, you hobag. They wanted to boot Lacey's pasty ass and you know it. Bret thinks that he and Sam will be lifelong friends. She says goodbye, and then they make out for, like, a minute and a half. It's super-slurpy. Sam tells us that Bret rejected her in a way that was loving, sensual, and romantic -- just how she'd want to go out. With guns blazin'! That's not all that's blazing, I'm sure. Bret tells us that, as much as he liked Sam, he couldn't put her through it no more. Sic. Meanwhile, Lacey is still pretending to cry. Let's let Brandi sum it up: "Bravo, where's her fucking Oscar." Lacey interviews that it's amazing what a few tears will do. I think Lacey has a single fang. Why am I not surprised.

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Rock of Love

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