Big John comes down to deliver Bret Mail. It's in the form of a song. A not totally rhyming and most likely atonal song, but a song nonetheless. "Now it's time for you to get dressed/And find out which gives phone the best/When I'm on the road, when I'm on tour/I'm away from my baby and it's a bore/I need a love who can get on the phone/Get me hot and give me a...good time." Oh wait! But it's not done! It's like a freaking Dostoevsky novel. "The three of you who light my flame/Will win the first date of this here game/So be creative and make me hot/Because tomorrow some will stay, and some will not." The "A Team" or "Varsity Squad" is sure that hot phone sex is a task for them. Tiffany wonders if she might need a drink to be more creative. It is a classic rule of drama that the glass of chardonnay in the hand in the first act must lead to slurring and calling other girls cuntwads in the third, right? Tiffany has a glass of red and a glass of white. We see footage of her drinking copiously and acting a fool, but much of it is obviously from the first episode, because she is wearing her tight purple dress with the genital warts for buttons. Do the editors really need to try to make her look drunker?

The girls get dressed in their hot lingerie and go downstairs where they meet....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHH! Is it Peter Frampton? Is it a hairless Chinese crested dog? Is it a person with that disease that makes you compulsively pluck out hair from the top of your skull? Is it the Heat Miser with a straight iron taken to him? No, it's Bret without his bandana!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA! Seriously, you guys. Seriously. Bret is wearing flame-patterned pajamas and possibly has prehensile feet. Oh my God, I can't even concentrate on what he's saying. THE HAIR! THE HAIR! Oh, shit. Holy shit fuckballs. It's like a mangy lemur just dropped right there and decided to take a nap. Okay, whooooo, composure.

Basically, Bret's out on the road a lot, and for a relationship to work, his lady has to be able to get him off the Alexander Graham Bell way. He'll be sequestered, and each woman will have to talk dirty to him over the phone. The three who do the best will get to go on a date with him. How will they tell who does best? A not actual doctor named Dr. Roy is hooking up a device to Bret's penis that will measure the blood flow. The device will be attached to a Commodore 64, and there will be charts and graphs. It's all very scientific. Bret won't be able to tell who he's talking to, and thinks that's what makes this great.