Rock of Love

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Talk Dirty To Me

Previously: The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Let us all be comforted that in the year in which He took two of television's brightest shining stars, Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly, He also gave us Rock Of Love. A belated birthday shout-out goes to the heavenly father.

We begin in the morning, with the girls sleeping off their previous night of debauchery -- some harder than others, Tiffany -- and Bret in the gym. I...don't think he really knows how to use that equipment. He has sixteen "of the most gorgeous women in the world" left. Has the syphilis made Bret go blind, do you think? In any case, he needs to get to know them more intimately. That's right -- it's the handjob episode!

Tiffany is clearly still the talk of the house. Lacey notes that Tiffany got plowed and really didn't make a good first impression. We get a little flashback sequence, including one previously unseen moment of Tiffany slurring, "So how 'bout the Bearssssssss?" She is truly the John Goodman of buxom alcoholic redheads. She is considered a drunken mess among girls who really like to drink, so you do the math. The fact that Tiffany is still in the house makes Lacey raise an eyebrow, but she thinks she'll be gone soon enough. Tiffany says that she got a little extreme on the first night, and that today is just going to be more low-key.

Meanwhile, Erin is telling some of the other girls about her ex-fiancé. Turns out she was supposed to be getting married this May. The others are shocked. And then who should be standing on the stairs eavesdropping like Mr. Furley but Heather. Also like Mr. Furley, Heather apparently has one bad ear, because she missed the "ex" part. She can't believe Erin has a fiancé, and is determined to get Erin's phony ass (and circus boobs) out of there. Erin adds that her fiancé told her he didn't love her anymore, and that was the end. When even circus boobs can't keep a man, it's a bad scene.

As it turns out, to hang with a rock star you have to drink all day long, so the girls hit the bar early. I find no fault with that. If I could start every day with a couple well-appointed mimosas, I'd be a much more pleasant person. Heather says that she got the party started, and some of the girls form a little band on the stage. It sounds like glass breaking and cats wailing. Bret, thinking his old bandmates have come for a little action, leaves the weight machine and rushes into the main part of the house. Once Bret joins in with the band, women flock to the pole in their bikinis and/or underwear. Rodeo coins a move where she grabs her boobs under her bikini top and slithers. I could maybe not see Holly Hunter doing that, exactly. But I'm sure The Rock Of Love Story director Brett Ratner will take her to new heights. Jes is grossed out, and doesn't associate herself with the pole-dancing ilk. How did she ever get on this show?

The band takes a break, but the partying continues, and there is a definitely a faction forming between the girls who "put themselves out there" on the pole and that sort of thing, and those who don't. Dallas interviews that the house turned into one of those strip clubs by the airport that are filled with fat chicks with huge implants. One might note that Dallas is an astute observer of her environs. The more demure girls -- a.k.a. the skinnier chicks with huge implants -- sit outside; Magdalena says she's not going to get naked. At least until she gets confirmation that Bret is cool with chicks with dicks. Someone asks when they get to be alone with him, and Magdalena says, "When you take your panties off." Sam, a true romantic, doesn't believe that. She interviews that there is a definite split between the slutty outgoing girls -- Tawny, Lacey, Heather, Rodeo, Kristia, Brandi C. -- and the bitchy introverted girls who are not as whorish -- Erin, Magdalena, Jes, Sam, Tamara and Dallas. Brandi M. must straddle the line, Faith isn't going to be on long enough to count, and I assume Tiffany is on a special list that is just called "???????." Meanwhile, the slutty outgoing girls are still partying with Bret. He says he's as guilty as they are, and they're all guilty among their flesh. And all sort of scaly among their flesh, too, I bet. Thanks for the sermon. He has a surprise, though, so he has to bail for a little while.

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Rock of Love

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