Rock of Love

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Talk Dirty To Me

Lacey goes out to talk to some of the bitchy introverted girls. She thinks it's an effort to get to know them -- Jes in particular -- while they think it's a pathetic attempt, and mock her to her face and blow her off. Jes interviews that she doesn't want anything to do with Lacey and her bimbo posse. Lacey goes back inside with a report, and deems her bimbo posse "Group A" and/or the partying group. The other girls are bitches with sticks up their asses, and Lacey is ready to take some of them out. First on her list is Jes, whom Lacey thinks has a superior attitude. Lacey concocts a plan with Brandi C. to throw a fully clothed Jes in the pool. Brandi C. must wimp out, because it's a solo Lacey who runs over and gets Jes in a chokehold, and then drags her into the pool. This is dangerous not only because Jes could drown, but because her bottle of beer goes flying and breaks. Glass in the pool! Are you okay? Are you okay? Call EMS! Jes is really pissed, and tells Lacey to get the fuck away from her. Lacey and some other girls mock her as she goes to take a shower. You know, I know Lacey's shtick is that she thinks she's being delightfully evil, but she's really just a huge asshole. And not even a nice waxed stripper asshole.

Big John comes down to deliver Bret Mail. It's in the form of a song. A not totally rhyming and most likely atonal song, but a song nonetheless. "Now it's time for you to get dressed/And find out which gives phone the best/When I'm on the road, when I'm on tour/I'm away from my baby and it's a bore/I need a love who can get on the phone/Get me hot and give me a...good time." Oh wait! But it's not done! It's like a freaking Dostoevsky novel. "The three of you who light my flame/Will win the first date of this here game/So be creative and make me hot/Because tomorrow some will stay, and some will not." The "A Team" or "Varsity Squad" is sure that hot phone sex is a task for them. Tiffany wonders if she might need a drink to be more creative. It is a classic rule of drama that the glass of chardonnay in the hand in the first act must lead to slurring and calling other girls cuntwads in the third, right? Tiffany has a glass of red and a glass of white. We see footage of her drinking copiously and acting a fool, but much of it is obviously from the first episode, because she is wearing her tight purple dress with the genital warts for buttons. Do the editors really need to try to make her look drunker?

The girls get dressed in their hot lingerie and go downstairs where they meet....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHH! Is it Peter Frampton? Is it a hairless Chinese crested dog? Is it a person with that disease that makes you compulsively pluck out hair from the top of your skull? Is it the Heat Miser with a straight iron taken to him? No, it's Bret without his bandana!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA! Seriously, you guys. Seriously. Bret is wearing flame-patterned pajamas and possibly has prehensile feet. Oh my God, I can't even concentrate on what he's saying. THE HAIR! THE HAIR! Oh, shit. Holy shit fuckballs. It's like a mangy lemur just dropped right there and decided to take a nap. Okay, whooooo, composure.

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Rock of Love

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