Rock of Love

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The Rose & The Thorn

This season on Rock Of Love: Partying. Pole dancing. Catfighting. Backstabbing. Ill-advised tattooing. Whorebaggery. And, it must be noted, dicksuckery. The two roses who, er, rose to the top of this pile are Jes and Heather. Neither of them seems to be held there against her will, so it appears that they really and truly want to be the girlfriend of Bret Michaels. Maybe add "dumb bitchery" to the above list.

Okay! Heather and Jes pack for their trip to Cabo. Jes says that Heather's in for a rude awakening, because she is there for the long haul. She wants that man with a bandana wrapped around his naked skull, so Heather needs to watch her back. Heather is more convinced than ever that she's the one for Bret, and her claws are out. There's no way she's letting Jes walk away with him. Bret emerges, and we learn that he's an overpacker. Hey, me too! We apparently have that in common in addition to a host of shared venereal diseases. Bret's loving the two remaining girls, and thinks he has a tough decision ahead.

The girls board a private plane, which I must say is pretty cool, and land in Cabo San Lucas. When they arrive at the hotel, they get quite a greeting, including drinks and four hot sexy girls dancing. Heather points to one of said girls and says, "I'm fucking this one." Bret tells us that Heather practically knocked him over to get to the hot sexy dancing girl, whereas he paid the hot sexy dancing girls no attention because he was paying attention to the girls he was with. He's such a stellar guy to only have eyes for the two of three girls that he has on a date at once. The girl that Bret is paying attention to, however, is paying no attention to him, because she's paying attention to the girl that he's not paying attention to. He calls it a strange moment. Dude, you just lived through the first season of Rock of Love and you're calling THIS a strange moment? Plus, she was just trying to get you hot with a little girl-on-girl action. Don't sweat it, rookie.

Bret heads to his room, and Heather and Jes head to theirs. There are many gifts, including booty shorts, which Heather says are "so me." There is Bret Mail: "Bienvenidos, my lovely ladies. I've had a killer time with the two of you and can't wait to turn up the heat under the Mexican sun. I'll see you both later tonight for an awesome dinner by the pool. Love, Bret." To paraphrase Hillary Clinton, who I think was quoting someone else, you communicate with twenty bitches in poetry. You decide which of the final two you'd like to be your girlfriend in prose. Heather wants to show Bret her many sides, as well as the fact that she's passionately into him and Jes is not. Jes tells us that striking up a confrontation (????) is against her morals, but she has a fight inside of her that wants to be with Bret (????), so if she has to do it, she will. If I took the verbal SATs right now, I'd score a 330, max.

Bret, wearing a crisp white blouse and casual navy blue bandana, meets the girls for dinner. He tries to ease the obvious tension by announcing, "There's bread here!" He takes a bite. Mmm, carby. In good news, no one has called anyone else a cocksucker yet. It is early, though. Bret, with a difficult decision in his near future, has some questions to ask of each girl. And the question he asks Heather? Is whether she's really into other chicks. Apparently, when they're together, they'll laugh and talk about how hot a girl's tits are. Bret wants to know if that's for fun, or if Heather really wants to bring that girl into their relationship. Okay, I don't want to dwell in stereotypes here, but when a woman wears that much hairspray and pastel, it's statistically improbable that she's a big fucking dyke. Jes disagrees, saying that Heather is a big skanky ho who would love to be in an open relationship with other women. Heather, however, says she's not a hater, she's a congratulator. She can acknowledge a girl's hot rack, but she's not saying, "Come fuck me and my man." And seriously, Bret needs to stop being so afraid of the fact that every girl secretly wants to bang other chicks. Er, except for YOUR girlfriend/wife, of course, all you sexy men out there.

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Rock of Love

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