Heather does herself in Aqua Net and spritzes some Prince Matchabelli in her cleavage to ensure that her windsong stays on Bret's mind. She knows she and Bret have connected and is confident that she's staying. Maggie is a little nervous, and so is Lacey given that the other girls told Bret she's insincere. Bret reads the letter, and wonders if Lacey is the cause of all the drama going on in the house. Well duh, you wig-wearing dumb ass. Wait, make that "you wig- and red-vinyl-jacket-wearing dumb ass. I hope the Salvation Army of the Damned got full wardrobe credit on this show.

Okay, elimination time. Bret picks Brandi first, because she is fun and has some very special sexual qualities. Uh, so he's heard. Heather is bitter. Brandi will stay and continue to rock Bret's world. Next is Heather, who interviews that she's the best choice for him and that they're like one in the same. Everything she says is true. Jes is next, to Lacey's chagrin. Lacey thinks she's too young and immature, and that she's a prude. Oh, shut up. The next called is Mia. Finally, despite the fact that she sucks, Bret chooses to keep Lacey. He calls her "cankles," which is better than she deserves.

Thus, it comes down to Sam and Magdalena. Sam is freaking out. Bret says he sometimes has to make decisions based on what he's thinking, and what the girls are thinking as well. I think he grossly overestimates the amount of so-called "thinking" going on in all parts of the house, but okay. He calls Magdalena down and tells her that her tour ends here. He interviews that his life is about passion and excitement, and he didn't believe it was there with himself and Magdalena. Magdalena interviews that she appreciate that Bret's not wasting her time anymore. She does not seem broken up about leaving AT ALL. Good for her. Sam says that she does want to be there, and she and Bret agree to take it one day at a time. As Lacey swears that she'll take Sam and everyone else out , the girls toast with a delicious can of Bret's Brew, which I hear can also be used as a magic hair tonic.

Next week: a challenge custom made to exacerbate the skank, and everyone still hates Lacey. But until then, it's...

Bret's boner countdown! Again, it's paltry. These girls are KILLING BRET'S BONER!
13. "Brandi's kind of a tomboy, you know. She's one of those girls that can change your tire and at the same time you want to have sex with her. That's a win-win."