First stop, New York City! Big John chooses Jes's name out of a hat, and she gets to pick her opponent. She chooses Magdalena, thinking it will be an easy victory. They each have a suitcase, and a pile of clothes. Whoever is first to pack the clothes, zip the suitcase, and make it to the bus wins. They are neck and neck until Jes's sweater gets stuck in the zipper, which gives Magdalena the edge needed to win. Jes is pissed that she lost on the first one. Girl, you are going to feel a whole lot better about it later when you don't smell like fish guts and rotted turnips.
Next stop, Philadelphia, where Heather undoubtedly wants Bret to ring her liberty bell. Magdalena's name is chosen from the hat this time, which seems kind of unfair. So, I've been thinking about the casting of Magdalena for The Rock of Love Story, and it is true that Bea Arthur, despite the multiple facelifts, is probably too old. Since I actually think Magdalena is kind of pretty, I propose Maria Sharapova, with voice overdubs done by Bea Arthur. I must admit that I've lost a little of my fervor for this project since the demise of Rodeo. Maybe in the fictionalized version she can appear in multiple dream sequences, and/or as an angel from heaven reminding Bret that he has a rainbow in his soul, for the children? "I want to touch your soul...with my rainbow." Really, I miss her more than I can say. In any case, Magdalena picks Sam. Since Bret's lady always has to look smoking hot, or like she has been smoked out of the free clinic, despite the occasional lack of four star accommodations, the girls will have to change outfits in a port-a-potty. Big John hands them their clothes, which appear to have come from Heather's special whore drawer.
Sadly for Magdalena and Sam, the port-a-potties are, like, the real kind, with puddles of feces in them. They smell like dirty diapers, according to Sam. And what's worse, the girls have to change into a crotchless lace onesie, high heel shoes, a corset, and reeeeeally tiny mini-skirt. I always wondered who would buy the crotchless lace onesies that can be found in the back pages of the Victoria's Secret catalogue. Now I know that the answer is: Big John. He likes the feel of the hosiery against his skin. And you know, if Lacey really wanted to prove herself an evil genius, she would go tackle the port-a-potties so they rolled across the parking lot. One word: sloshing. Magdalena is first to exit, but her shoes are tied the wrong way. She can't fix them in time, and Sam wins on a technicality. Magdalena is upset that she is going to miss out on the chance to get one-on-one time with Bret. Again, I will say that later on, when she does not have a rotting lamb chop sticking out of her crotchless lace onesie, she will count her lucky Y chromosomes.