Rock of Love

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Tour Bus Challenge

The next stop is Detroit, which is unfairly stereotyped as the city of garbage. Lacey's name is pulled out of the hat, and, counting on some post-challenge fatigue, she chooses Sam as her competitor. Lacey and Sam will have to -- yes, you're reading this right -- search through a dumpster to find Bret's favorite guitar pick. This is the point when I'd be like, "Fuck it, I'll settle for C.C." Lacey says possibly the grossest thing I've ever heard, which is that looking through the dumpster was like fishing through soup. The same words came out of Bret's mouth on the morning following their fateful foursome. Poor Sam is still in her crotchless onesie, but this does not deter her from giving it her all. She finds the pick and as she has to crawl out of the dumpster asks if the others want to see her crotch. It's all just special sauce and McNuggets at this point, one would guess. A garbage-covered Lacey must remain in Detroit. She probably actually smells better than usual.

Pulling up to Big John's hometown of Nashville, the girls in the bus see a guitar, amp and lots of wires. Brandi M. tells the others that she's really good at electronics and hooked up her mom's surround sound. This deters Heather, whose name is pulled out of the hat, from picking her. She goes with Mia instead. And Mia will totally be played by Jennifer Love Hewitt in The Rock of Love Story, as long as she can do something about that ENORMOUS cottage cheese ass of hers. Heather and Mia plug wires in and out, but both of them fail to notice the giant unplugged power cord right in front of them. Back on the bus, Brandi M. tells Sam that she knew she would be terrible at this challenge, so her claims of Mr. Wizardry were totally bogus. She's very proud of herself, even though fooling Heather is about as hard as getting George W. Bush to say "nucular." Big John has to tell the girls to plug in their amps, and Mia emerges as the victor. Heather is left behind to tweak her nips and hope that a kindly stranger takes pity on her.

The next stop is Seattle. Big John picks Brandi's name out of the hat, and she chooses Mia as her competitor. Brandi is ready to kick some ass. Big John tells the girls that sometimes on the road Bret gets really drunk and forgets the words to even some of his biggest songs. With each episode my loins burn for him a little more. Or, actually, they just burn. Sympathy pains, I guess. There is a giant fridge poetry thing with the chorus to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" all jumbled up. The first girl to put the words in the right order will win and go onto the finals. It seems totally unfair to me that you could make it to the finals of this challenge without having to either; a) slosh in rancid feces; b) slosh in rancid garbage. If you can't do either of those things, how will you be able to hack life with Bret? Mia chokes under the pressure, and Brandi M. is named the winner. And then the song plays! The acoustic version. It's very poignant and thorny that Mia is left on a bench in a middle of a parking lot, I guess.

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Rock of Love

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