Lacey notices that Sam is getting Bret's attention, so she concocts a complicated plan to go hang on him. Will she never stop with her innovative scheming? Heather employs the same strategy, and says that it's all for the greater good of making Sam jealous. At one point Lacey is actually, like, nuzzling his neck. He is totally going to get a boil in that spot. The plan works. Sam can't take it, and heads off to her room to write in her creepy little journal. She says it's hard to see other girls hanging on the object of her affection when she wants to be that girl. So just go throw your puss in the mix. It's not rocket science.
The next morning, Sam is in a foul mood. She tells Lacey to get out of her fucking face. In all fairness, I would greet every day with the same sentiment were I in that house. Plus, I'm guessing that Sam is suffering from what Dr. Oz recently informed me is called "Safe Toilet Syndrome." The bitch hasn't pooped in, like, three weeks, is what I'm saying. Cut her some slack. It's probably even starting to reabsorb. Lacey stage whispers to Heather that Sam is losing it. Heather's response? "Cool." Oh, and then fucking Lacey decides that it's important for Bret to know that Sam's freaking out, so she takes it upon herself to talk to him. I would love to install an invisible fence right in front of his door. "Knock knock...ow! Knock knock...ow! Knock knock...ow!" Lacey knocks and says, "Rise and shine." In the words of Magdalena, "If he's locked in his room, it means he doesn't f@*#!$ wanna see you. How 'bout it?" The "How 'bout it?" kills me. Magdalena interviews that Heather and Lacey are like hyenas always trying to get on Bret. She thinks it's disrespectful. It also wafts of the stank of desperation. How 'bout it?
Bret needs a minute to put on his bandana / baseball cap combo, then invites Lacey in. She tells him she's worried about Sam -- which, I am SO SURE even Bret's dumb enough to believe that -- because Sam's jealousy issues are causing her to freak out. Lacey says when Bret's out on the road and tons of girls are on his tour bus, Sam's not going to be able to handle that, and he needs someone who understands that lifestyle. Bret interviews that he really appreciates everything Lacey told him. Okay, so he is dumb enough to believe that. That's the last flicker of hope I'll ever have in regards to this show. Bret thinks Sam might be too sensitive for this lifestyle. Well, duh, you knew that in, like, the second episode, but you wanted to have her hang around until you could pork her. Lacey goes poolside to report to Heather, who is wearing a g-string and nothing else. Good to see she's been classing it up as promised. How do you even concentrate enough to talk to someone when you can see all their bits? I've been thinking hard about who will play Heather in The Rock of Love Story, but haven't quite settled on someone who is both oddly likeable yet haggard, and has the appropriate amount of heft. In a few years Lindsay Lohan might qualify.