Rock of Love

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Tour Bus Challenge

Bret goes in to talk to Sam and does not greet her with a "Wassagoinon." Bad sign! She's folding clothes and he asks if she's leaving. Any display of tidiness must seem really radical in that house. Bret asks if Sam had fun at the party. She says she did, and he compliments on her heretofore unknown pole skills. She could totally knock out some sort of complicated mathematical theorem right now and he'd just stare blankly for a second before saying, "It really impresses me...how you worked that pole." Bret says that sometimes he feels close to Sam, but then the brakes come on. She's a private person, she says, and doesn't know who to trust in the house. Bret says the only person she needs to get close to is him, and she asks how she's supposed to get close to him when other girls are grinding up on him. Again, do enough Kegels so your puss can take out that of any other ho head to head, so to speak, and the man will be yours.

Bret worries about Sam's severe mistrust issues. I love how he can never just say "trust issues." Sam confides that she was in an abusive relationship with a drug addict who would talk down to her and slam her into walls and call her a slut and cheat on her. She lost it, and now she takes Prozac. Sam wants to know what love is. She wants Bret to show her. Maybe. Sam is one of the most intense people that Bret has ever met. Including David Lee Roth? I didn't think so. Bret is wondering if maybe he'll have to let Sam go for his own sanity. Guess it will depend on how much he wants to bone her at elimination time.

Bret Mail! "I hope you like shouting, beers, and flying pucks / Because Bebe, tonight we are partying with the Anaheim Ducks / Later on this evening, someone will end their tour / It's elimination night, and I'm sending home one more." Brandi M. says this date is perfect for her, as who wouldn't enjoy an afternoon of beer and men with sticks? Bret and Brandi have dinner in a VIP suite before the game. Does that stand for "Very Inconsistent Plugs"? Bret, with his customary eloquence, tells Brandi that she has two of the most beautiful eyes he's ever looked at. This is the kind of compliment he could never give to his last girlfriend, Cindy Cyclops.

Brandi says that a lot of guys are intimidated by her because she's so bold and straightforward, and she needs a man who knows who he is. Bret asks if she has more guy friends or girlfriends. She says that it's mostly guy friends, and the girls she's friends with are lesbians. Bret kind of bizarrely says that this is the one thing he'd worry about. Oh my God, don't you want to just unleash some huge dyke in the house? Like, if you thought Bret got wonky when the girls started talking about Vanilla Ice, just see how he handles Joan Jett in the flesh. She'd be like, "Why the fuck are you wearing a wig, grandpa?" and walk out of the house with three bitches on each arm. Brandi says that she's not going to turn gay, and couldn't see herself marrying a woman. However, and I quote, "I'll have sex with one, though, don't get me wrong. But then I'll kick her out afterwards." And punch her in the stomach, too. Bret is such a tool he doesn't even laugh. He just looks down at his plate and nods and goes, "Yeah." He totally can't handle Brandi. It's a fact.

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Rock of Love

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