The ladies head to the Iron Horse Café for Bret's concert. Bret explains that it's an intimate concert called a "fan jam." Does that mean that they gave out a bunch of free tickets on the back of Smuckers bottles? The date bus rolls up to the show, and Farrah and Kelsey are still telling Laurie that she's lame. She says she doesn't give a fuck if they think she's lame and sarcastically tells them to go do another shot. They're all, "Shots!!!!!" They enter the Iron Horse, and Ashley seems well on her way to catching up with them. Big John calls all the ladies together and tells them to be on their best behavior tonight since they're Bret's direct representatives. In response they drink more shots. The ladies are escorted to the VIP area, which is next to the stage. Bret comes out and sings one of his shitty songs and suddenly it's bedlam. Kelsey and Farrah climb all over each other, and Kelsey even humps Farrah while doing a push-up. A hump-up? Whatever you want to call it, it's spectacular. The fans lining the VIP area are cracking up. Farrah's boobs fall out at least once that we see. They make out sloppily. They pour beer on each other. Mindy tells us that they were complete embarrassments and she didn't want to be associated with them in any way. This might be because Farrah appears to be wearing acid-washed jeans.
Bret looks over and notices the drunken idiocy and objects, because he's supposed to be the primo drunken idiot. He wonders if Farrah and Kelsey are there to enjoy the show or put on their own show. If I had to choose, I would totally watch the latter. Big John calls Farrah and Kelsey out. Farrah gets to bust out her Big John impression as she recounts what happens, and it's actually pretty good! Big John takes them outside and admonishes them like an assistant principal. He says, "I just specifically asked you guys not to be up there and be fucking slutty." Big John, would you ask a fish not to swim? A bird not to fly? Liza Minelli to spell her name with an "s" and not get looped on Vicodin and fall off the stage? He asks Farrah what he's asked her before, whether she's there for Bret or for some chick. He tells them to take a detention on the bus and think about what they've done. And maybe write, "I heart Bret Michaels because his music is so good and his hair looks totally real" 100 times on the chalkboard.
Kelsey is pissed and starts throwing stuff on the bus. She then runs off like a madwoman. Big John follows her and she screams to get the cameras away from her, then falls down on a speed bump and starts to weep. And then we have a commercial for Flirty Girl Fitness, which, if anyone wants to get me an early birthday present, I think you have to look no further. When we return, Kelsey lays on the speed bump and weeps that she doesn't want to be there and doesn't give a fuck about Bret. Finally someone is making some sense on this show! Kelsey interviews that she totally broke down, and says that she doesn't want to face Bret or the other girls because she's so embarrassed. She adds, "I mean, I've been laying on a speed bump for the last hour bawling my eyes out." I actually think I've done that, so I can't judge. Big John then goes from assistant principal to motivational speaker, telling Kelsey that he's seen what she's done and the progress she's made and the commitment she's put into this. He assures her that it's not all in vain and that she has a good shot. He says, "Listen to me. Wipe your face off, get cleaned up, focus on you. You." He should write a series of self-help books called Wipe Your Face Off: A Skank's Guide to Self-Esteem.