Rock of Love

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Speedbumping Uglies

Previously: Mindy got jiggy with the leopard print and possibly got it in the pooper for the first time. Later on, Bret learned that a friend-like entity was killed in Iraq. And Jenny was eliminated because it's hard to be properly skanky when a family member has just passed away.

The girls are still in Nashville and with Jenny gone, Ashley notes that it's only a matter of time before the other two lame new girls become history as well. They head to the buses and find Bret Mail telling them that their next destination will be Alabama! It reads, "Today you'll be heading down south towards the heart of Dixie. So grab your bags and get ready to hit the road. Love, Bret." Ashley, used to heading south, should feel right at home.

On the bus, Taya tells the others that she got some "kick-ass" news. Turns out she's Penthouse pet of the year. One day, young girls, you can bend puss-forward to the camera and achieve such things, too! Cami, Brittanya, Mindy, and Beverly all look at her in silence, with just the teensiest bit of scorn. Taya has to clarify for them that it's a very big deal. Mindy interviews that Taya is her friend, but she's sick of hearing about the whole Penthouse thing. Taya learned of this kick-ass news yesterday when the owner of the company called her and, in a voice that sounded like he's smoked five cigars a day since he was a fetus, said, "Congratulations sugar tits." Mel Gibson owns Penthouse! Brittanya is also sick of hearing about Penthouse and could frankly give a rat. Taya is sick of the haters. She says, "It's not caring what other people think, it's not appreciating that people are trying to devalue what I've accomplished in my life. That's what pisses me off." I have seen Taya's accomplishments, and I do have to admit that, as far as it's possible to retain some sort of elegance as you hold on to your stripper heel while on all fours to give the camera a better view of your cooter pie, she does a fair job.

The girls pull into the Shady Lawn truck stop where they find people sitting in bleachers and several props including a slip n' slide and hillbilly dunk tank. The girls are about to go down in the annals of history (given that at least Mindy has gone down in the anals of history already) as participants in the first annual Bret Michaels Truck Stop Games! It's the perfect amalgam of Bret's love of women, sport, and touring the country in a gamey bus. There are three teams of three. The Blue Team is Beverly, Kami and Ashley. The Green Team is Jamie, Mindy and Brittanya. And finally the Yellow Team is Kelsey, Farrah and Taya. Kelsey is not happy to be on a team with Taya, who thinks she's better than everyone else and also looks down on Farrah and Mindy for being strippers. Bret has scoured the world for the finest panel of trucker judges he could find. At least one is wearing overalls, and all are wearing trucker hats and cool shades. The team that does the best will get the most awesome date in the world, according to Bret. The girls suit up in denim cutoffs and bras or bra-like tank tops. Let the games begin!

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Rock of Love

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