Rock of Love

Episode Report Card
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Speedbumping Uglies

Bret looks over and notices the drunken idiocy and objects, because he's supposed to be the primo drunken idiot. He wonders if Farrah and Kelsey are there to enjoy the show or put on their own show. If I had to choose, I would totally watch the latter. Big John calls Farrah and Kelsey out. Farrah gets to bust out her Big John impression as she recounts what happens, and it's actually pretty good! Big John takes them outside and admonishes them like an assistant principal. He says, "I just specifically asked you guys not to be up there and be fucking slutty." Big John, would you ask a fish not to swim? A bird not to fly? Liza Minelli to spell her name with an "s" and not get looped on Vicodin and fall off the stage? He asks Farrah what he's asked her before, whether she's there for Bret or for some chick. He tells them to take a detention on the bus and think about what they've done. And maybe write, "I heart Bret Michaels because his music is so good and his hair looks totally real" 100 times on the chalkboard.

Kelsey is pissed and starts throwing stuff on the bus. She then runs off like a madwoman. Big John follows her and she screams to get the cameras away from her, then falls down on a speed bump and starts to weep. And then we have a commercial for Flirty Girl Fitness, which, if anyone wants to get me an early birthday present, I think you have to look no further. When we return, Kelsey lays on the speed bump and weeps that she doesn't want to be there and doesn't give a fuck about Bret. Finally someone is making some sense on this show! Kelsey interviews that she totally broke down, and says that she doesn't want to face Bret or the other girls because she's so embarrassed. She adds, "I mean, I've been laying on a speed bump for the last hour bawling my eyes out." I actually think I've done that, so I can't judge. Big John then goes from assistant principal to motivational speaker, telling Kelsey that he's seen what she's done and the progress she's made and the commitment she's put into this. He assures her that it's not all in vain and that she has a good shot. He says, "Listen to me. Wipe your face off, get cleaned up, focus on you. You." He should write a series of self-help books called Wipe Your Face Off: A Skank's Guide to Self-Esteem.

The concert is finally over, and all the girls get on the bus to head to elimination. Ashley, who got completely wasted after Big John focused his attentions on Farrah and Kelsey, crawls on the floor randomly slurring, "Biiiitch!" Farrah goes to talk to Kelsey, who yells at her to get away because she doesn't want to talk to anyone. Jamie wonders if Bret really wants an annoying skank along the lines of Farrah, Kelsey or Ashley. Yes. Yes he does. Next question. Beverly says that Kelsey is a nice girl, but she's young and not ready to be on the road with a reality TV, er, rock star. The next thing we know Ashley is picking through some frozen dinners and screaming, "People who eat basil are lame!" Seriously, my love for her just grows and grows with each passing episode. She's genius. There has been no better 20 seconds of TV in 2009 than Ashley reading the frozen dinner box instructions aloud: "Re...move tray from box." And then dumping the entire frozen dinner on Jamie. Jamie doesn't even know if they'll be able to make it to the elimination in their drunken, frozen stuffed-cabbage eating state.

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Rock of Love




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