Rock of Love

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Vegas Baby

Previously: Blow-Job Brandi made quite an impression on Bret, everyone hated Lacey, Heather got Bret's NAME TATTOOOED on her NECK and was rightfully called a dumb bitch, and Sam got the mercy kill. Four ladies remain, and they inexplicably still totally want to be Bret Michaels's girlfriend.

It is morning, and the girls awake. I think I have the same PJ's as Brandi M.! Strippers: They're just like us. Well, except for Heather. Unless you have seen me hair-spraying my bangs while they're still on the curling iron and caught a glimpse of my neck, upon which you found a nice, colorful slice of cherry pie. Whatever, I was drunk and couldn't actually remember any of the names of the guys in Warrant. Heather sings, "Cause I'm rockin' my man on my neck!" That is the song Britney sang right before they hauled her off to mental lockdown. There was actually a little elf on her neck, though, in that case. Lacey tells us that, with four girls left in the house, it's two on two: her and Heather against Jes and Brandi. Brandi burps and farts and is immature, so she's the next target, according to Lacey. Dr. Oz told me that we pass a liter of gas a day! Frankly, I think Brandi is the healthiest one of the bunch for letting it all out. Maybe Lacey's built-up farts cause her to act the way she does. One day she'll fart for thirteen minutes straight and emerge nice as can be.

Big John delivers Bret Mail. Brandi reads it aloud, which is like spending a day in a third-grade classroom. It's almost as if we're volunteering! Can we use this as a tax write-off? In any case, the Bret Mail says this: "Good morning to my final four / Pack your bags it's time to tour / I've got a gig in the city of sin / But when we get back someone goes home again." That's right, it's Vegas, baby! The girls pack and ride in a limo to Bret's sweet tour bus. He greets them with both nipples blazing. I almost want to buy him a training bra right now. Rock stars get tuna sandwiches on their sweet-ass buses. Hell yeah! Rock n' roooooollllllllllll! Bret interviews that, although he's gotten to know these four ladies on an intimate level, they haven't seen "rock star" Bret yet. Well, invent a time machine and they'll have the opportunity to do so. It's important for Bret to gauge how these girls will deal with the rock n' roll experience. How they deal with everything, one presumes: by getting drunk and calling each other something that rhymes with "blunt cod."

And then, we're in Vegas! The town where Heather has left no pole unturned. Bret has to rush off to a "sound check," which Brandi thinks is very sexy. It is true that when Bret leaves the room, the sexiness factor increases by 30%. When Lacey exits, it increases by 220% -- an impressive statistic indeed. The girls are escorted to their pimpin' suite, where Big John tells them how it's going to go. The girls will watch Bret perform, then join him in his suite for dinner and cocktails. Three girls will be dismissed, and the one who impresses him most will stay for a nightcap. Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? Big John suggests they bring their A games, because it might be the last time they see Bret before elimination.

Brandi thinks that a couple of vodka and Red Bulls are going to aid her in her challenge-winning quest. Meanwhile, Lacey and Heather soak in their two-person Jacuzzi tub. I can't even imagine the shit that's floating in that water now. Dump that on the street, and it's bubonic plague 2.0. They're determined to make Brandi crack because, Heather says, she's just a groupie who's into Bret for all the wrong reasons. Could someone tell me what these mysterious "right reasons" are? Brain damage is the only one I can come up with. Conversely, an already drunk-sounding Brandi says that the ultimate plan should be to get Heather so trashed that she can't walk. Heather is built like '80s football star The Fridge, as well as an actual refrigerator. And, incidentally, probably has the "Superbowl Shuffle" on cassette tape in her car. Something tells me she can hold her liquor. Jes interviews that she doesn't really have a plan -- all she knows is that she doesn't want to get drunk and make an ass of herself. A couple of the other girls already claimed that one anyway.

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Rock of Love

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