Rock of Love

Episode Report Card
Potes: B+ | Grade It Now!
Vegas Baby

Meanwhile, things are getting grody again. As they walk to Bret's suite, Bret tells Lacey that he wants time to get closer to her. They sit on the red couch. Bret feels that Lacey is more than just a malicious bitch. Lacey feels Bret's inner thigh. That latter feeling might have some influence on the former. And then...AUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! Lacey and Bret walk to the bedroom. The bed is covered with rose petals. Lacey kneels on the bed, as Bret kneels on the floor. Would that I had had some sort of combine accident in my youth in which both of my eyes popped out, so I did not have to suffer through this moment. Bret says there's something about her that he likes, and he needs to find out more about what it is. Is he telling her that he needs to investigate her puss? I mean, yes. I imagine Lacey has her pubes styled in her signature look, with long, pointy pieces framing the whole business on each side. The bedroom doors close. The next morning, a shirtless Bret escorts Lacey out of his room. She says it was a wonderful night that words can't describe. Yes, only the sound of millions of viewers collectively retching their oyster dinner can do it justice. Bret heads back to L.A., saying that he's using his gut to determine who will get eliminated. Go just a little further south, my man, and that statement becomes true.

Eliminations! Oh, hey, Jes! I forgot all about her for a second. She's feeling pretty secure. Could she get another dress, though? The black halter is cute, but she's worn it, like, four times. Just break down and borrow one of Heather's. Sure it will hang off of your clavicle, but at least it will add some variety. Brandi is a mess. She has feelings for Bret, and will stay if he asks her. Heather is feeling some nerves, since Bret gave her the shaft two nights in a row. For real. She is wearing virginal white tonight, presumably because all the other contestants are getting laid but her. Her dress cut below the navel actually has the effect of making her torso look like The Scream. Anyhoo, Jes gets called first. She's going to stay and rock Bret's world. Heather can't believe it and says that Jes doesn't care about Bret, and probably never will. And then, to add ignominy to insult, Bret calls LACEY. Because unlike Brandi, Bret doesn't bang a chick then throw her out.

Speaking of Brandi, she and Heather are in the bottom two. Bret still thinks that he and Heather have to figure out why she's there, and if it will work. She rolls her eyes. And as for Brandi, when Bret lifted her head out of the toilet and she professed her love, he really believed it. Heather is pissed. She recounts Brandi's statement that Bret was not the one for her. Brandi tries to explain, and Heather interrupts. Brandi has to ask to finish, and then finally confesses that she can see Bret with Jes, and also with Heather, but not with her. I think she's basically just saying that there's no connection, and also that she's, like, fucking smart and played to get to the end of the game but not actually be the winner, because that is a horrific fate that no self-respecting girl would enjoy. Bret asks her to be honest about whether she wants to stay in the house, and Brandi replies that she doesn't think she can let her guard down. Bret gets all pissed because Brandi supposedly fucked with his emotions. He had sex with two other chicks, like, last night. Give the girl a break, pit-waxer. He interviews that Brandi was lying to him and playing him, and he couldn't deal with it no more [sic]. He tells her to have a nice life, and, to her discredit, Brandi actually seems super-sad about leaving. Bret asks anyone else if they want to leave, but they all reiterate that they're there to stay. Heather gets her pass, and tells us that she's prepared to do what she has to do to win her man and will sacrifice anything. Even her dignity? Oh, duh.

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Rock of Love




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