Rock Star
Five Alive/Storm Spins Out

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: B- | 1 USERS: D+
Storm Drained

And now Brooke announces that whoever gets chosen to do tonight's encore will win the car they drove down in tonight. Nice of her to wait until they got there to tell them that; who knows what Lukas did to his. Brooke asks Jason who it is. Surely Jason will put a stop to this Idoling, no? No. He pulls a Seacrest instead, and so we won't find out after the break that it's Toby. Ooh, look what I did there. Ain't I a stinker?

And then I have to listen to Brooke Burke attempt to say "flava." Shut up, Brooke Burke.

Coming back, Brooke flogs the twenty-eight-city Supernova tour, with the House Band/Supernovice Revue opening for them. Gilby cuts in with what he calls a "Supernova tour update," and announces that Dave Navarro's band, the Panic Channel, is going to be part of the tour. "This tour just keeps getting better and better," Brooke marvels obligingly. I was going to say the same thing. Well, almost. I was going to say that this tour is turning into OzzFest Lite. OzzFest without the O, maybe. Same difference.

And then Jason takes for-fucking-ever to announce that Toby wins the encore and the new car. Toby hugs his fellow Supernovices, and heads over to the stage carrying an Australian flag. Before he starts, he has a dedication to make: "I know you guys all loved him. Everyone back in Australia loved him...the Crocodile Hunter. I dedicate this to that boy, right there." Tommy nods reverently. I sat here forever trying to think of some joke to add here, but even if this weren't the time, the spectacle of Tommy Lee nodding reverently at the mention of the Crocodile Hunter makes things plenty surreal to begin with. Besides, if it hadn't been for a certain other Australian celebrity dying under similarly unlikely circumstances years ago, Toby might not even be here tonight, so.

Toby and the House Band go into his original song last night, which by now, everyone is able to sing the "oh, oh, oh, etc." part along with him. Of course, because it's Toby, the performance turns into one of those Family Circus cartoons where you see Billy's circuitous route all through the neighborhood. Toby hits the Nut Gallery, the moves on to some old guy in the front row of the back section who barely has time to stand his creaky ass up before Toby gives up on him and scampers away. Rear platform, back into the audience, so on and so forth. I hope Supernova realizes that if they pick him, the road crew is going to have to build their lead singer a damn Habitrail in twenty-eight cities. He's not going to make it back to the stage before the end of the song, so he sings right into the audience-cam, looking like Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys. Finally he makes it back onstage. Brooke holds out the keys to his new car. I want someone to say, "Sorry, we wanted the Killers song. No car for you." But, as always, I am disappointed.

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Rock Star




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