Ryan's turn. He's doing "Jumpin' Jack Flash," which is so out of his league. He should have mugged Phil for the Tonic song. Ryan just has this sleepy-eyed, everyman vibe that's not up for the swagger this song requires. I can maybe picture him swaggering up from the mailroom, but that's about it. He does the first verse and chorus with the microphone stand, and it sounds like the kind of cover you'd hear on the soundtrack of a movie that couldn't afford rights to the original recording. For the second verse, he climbs down from stage left into the audience, where he conspicuously fails to get mobbed. Let's see Toby try that. Ryan works his way around to the tip of the runway without anyone stealing the mic from him, and jumps back onstage with a running leap. From then on, he's more animated, running around, and singing a lot rougher. He ends with one last leap that nearly ends with him faceplanting into the kick drum. Now that would have been memorable.
Dave tells Ryan that when he started, he began to fall asleep. He holds off the boos and adds that when Ryan came out of the audience, "You had all the energy in the world." Cheers from the audience, except for the audience members that Ryan touched who had the life force mysteriously sucked out of them and are now being airlifted to Cedars-Sinai. Tommy gets up and does a little Jagger-posing. He sits back down and tells Ryan, "He's a showboat! So show me some boat!" Ryan begins to bluster, "I'm gonna show you some--" "Bitch!" Tommy amplifies. Hee. Brooke stands next to the bitch and gives the instructions for if you want to vote for Patrice, Lukas, or the bitch.
Dana's performance of "Born To Be Wild" would probably blow the fucking roof off the Country Music Awards. Here, though, any rocking is entirely the responsibility of the House Band. Nate the drummer even does this dramatic, sky-high drumstick-twirl on the chorus that gets its own close-up. Dana herself, however, is more out of her depth than Ryan was. I'm sorry, the girl has pipes, and I'm sure she's a sweet kid, but this is not the right competition for her. When she's done, Gilby smirkily asks whether Dana's parents would recognize her. "Probably not," she says, most likely praying that she's right, for reasons that I'll get to in a second. Tommy has four words: "Born To Be mild." "Ow," says Dana, who knows a putdown when she hears one. That's about all she gets, though, as she defensively points out her leopard-print top and fishnet stockings. "I even headbanged, dude!" Whatever. She flipped her hair once. Tommy gives her the benefit of the doubt and decides that she's kidding (which she's not). Jason thinks that Dana has potential, calling her "great clay to work with." Dana says that she likes clay. Jason doesn't mean Play-Doh, missy.