Rock Star
The Top Ten/Jill And Josh Jilted

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M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now!
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Double Your Displeasure

Dave smirks at Ryan, even briefly covering his mouth to conceal a guffaw. "Dude, what the hell happened to you...that was unbelievable, dude." Amazingly, he means it in a good way, and calls Ryan "a contender." I kind of think that Dave is actually fucking with him. Tommy carefully calls it "...interesting," but with a lot more ellipses in front of it. I'm interested in what Tommy actually thinks, but I'm not going to find out because Dave overrules him: "Dude, that was the shit and you know it!" Tommy either gives up or decides to play along. Gilby also doesn't know what happened to Ryan, but says that his vocals have been great the past few weeks. Tommy says he knows exactly what happened: "He got laid after that last performance." Raucous cheers. Jason says something about tips of icebergs, and tells Ryan to keep doing different stuff. Ryan seriously thanks them, or as seriously as one can do anything while looking like an extra from Mystery Men.

Storm's wearing a "Got Balls?" t-shirt, which is an appropriate choice given that she's singing "We Are the Champions" by Queen. At center stage, she spreads her hands for quiet, then starts in softly. So softly, in fact, that I suspect her mic isn't on at first. But then it comes on and she's flat, so maybe that was a good thing. She eventually recovers and sings it straight, playing to the waving arms in the audience. The band drops out for a couple of measures between choruses, but other than that it's pretty faithful to the original. And for the second week in a row, Storm finishes up without having done anything insane.

Dave tells Storm that she did Freddie Mercury justice, and that it was a good song to show her range. Jason dug the arrangement, and says that "even Queen would have stamped their approval on it." Considering they also stamped their approval on the stage musical We Will Rock You that may not be as much of a compliment as Jason intends. Tommy tells Storm that he hopes they didn't "spook" her, and they still hope to see her going bananas. "Oh, I'll spank the crap out of you again for sure," Storm assures them, then gives a big, crazy drag-queen laugh that lasts all the way into Brooke's voting spiel. I hope there was something funnier there that simply got cut in the editing, because that kind of makes her look like a dork.

Sitting in the Nut Gallery, Brooke tries to tell us that every week the world has two questions: "What's the weather like?" and "What will Zayra be wearing next?" Actually, I think that second one may have been a misinterpretation of the actual question, which of course is "Why the hell isn't she gone yet?" Brooke tells us that Zayra's going to sing "David Bowie's 'All the Young Dudes'", and that Magni is playing guitar for some reason. So then Zayra comes out in this full-length, gold lamé bodysuit, worn with platform, spike-heeled boots and a gigantic top hat. I don't know. It's like Clockwork Orange meets Cabaret meets Goldfinger meets something so fucking stupid I can't even think of it right now. Jason gives the outfit a standing ovation. Shut up, Jason. I'm beginning to see Metallica's point. As for the now totally irrelevant musical side, it's not as horrible as Zayra usually is. She hasn't completely twisted the song beyond all recognition, for one thing, and she even hits a good half of the notes she aims for. On the other hand, it's not as good as anyone else on this show. I don't know what to tell you. Every time she comes on, I feel like I'm recapping a seventh inning stretch or something.

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Rock Star

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