How Titus Pullo Brought Down The Republic

Episode Report Card
Jessica: B- | 2 USERS: A+
How Titus Pullo Brought Down The Republic
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Friends, Romans, readers, bear with me this week. Your fearless leader M. Giant is off on vacation, and although I have considerable experience in recapping shows that feature shadowy political machinations, troubled kinky families with a tendency toward bizarre rituals, and protagonists with unusually large skulls, I apparently don't remember my Ancient History at all. I dimly recall making a model of a traditional Roman house out of sugar cubes in eighth grade, and that's about it. I remember the Ides of March, sure, and that whole "et, tu?" thing, and, you know, Cleopatra and Marc Antony and the asps, and...yeah, I'm afraid that's about it. I don't even know Roman numerals. But I did see I, Claudius, so I'm looking forward to some good orgies, lots of nudity, some people getting poisoned -- possibly by their own family members -- plenty of slaves get slapped around, some incest, and possibly some fiddling as Rome burns. But I don't know how accurate any of that is, so you should probably rest assured that this recap will no doubt contain terrible mistakes of great historical proportions.

Last week: lots of white men in English accents plotted things against other white men with English accents. Then everyone took his tunic off. This week, I presume the plotting continues, but I can only hope for further tunic-less-ness.

We open in Caesar's camp, which the lower third of the screen helpfully tells us is located in Gaul, near the Italian border. It is winter. How long ago did everything that we saw last week happen? A week? A day? Six weeks? Twenty-seven years? I have no idea. I guess we just have to say that an indeterminate amount of time has passed since we were last were in ancient Rome. Anyway, a servant/slave/someone comes into Caesar's tent, and reports that they've got three more deserters, because the men are all tired of being away from their families, sleeping in the mud, in the middle of winter. And it's been almost eight years. Also, they're sick of being dragged over to the barber-tent and being forced to get that awful haircut. (I'm fairly certain that the only man who can work a Caesar is George Clooney, and I'm including the actual Caesar in that.) "None of the good men have run, nor will they," Caesar mutters. "Nor will they follow you to Rome," This Guy With All The Information About the Deserters tells him. "Not yet," Caesar says. "Time is running out," This Guy Who I Suspect Is About To Provide Some Helpful Exposition says. "We cannot wait here forever. This is a very precarious position." "What happens in January when your term runs out and we're still sitting here?" he asks. Caesar tells This Guy -- whose name, we blessedly learn, is Posca -- that motivating soldiers is ever so terribly tricky and that maybe he shouldn't try and understand it, being merely a slave. "I trust an education in these subtleties will begin shortly," Posca snips. He sure is sassy, for a slave. Maybe he's not as much a plain, everyday slave as much as he is a LOVE SLAVE. At any rate, Caesar just gives him a vaguely hilarious "oh,you" look, and gets back work. While he rummages around with his paperwork, Posca digs through some of Caesar's stuff, and finds a bag of cash. We finally get the exposition for which this scene was born: Caesar has put Marc Antony up for the position of "People's Tribune," and the money is for the bribes needed to get the votes. Posca is shocked -- SHOCKED -- that Marc Antony is going to be People's Tribune! Why, as far as he understands it, People's Tribune is "a sacred office with power of veto over the senate." Thank you for explaining that, ExposoSlave. No, seriously. The more I can equate Roman politics with, say, Big Brother, the easier this whole thing will be for me to grasp. It's "an office of great dignity and seriousness," apparently. Which is where this whole thing begins to differ from Big Brother. Caesar thinks about this and agrees to send "Strabo" -- an old dude standing in the corner of the room with a book -- along, to make sure that Marc Antony behaves himself.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13Next





Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP