Episode Report Card
M. Giant: A | Grade It Now!
Shall I Loot A Peach?

At night, in the rain, in the empty Forum, Pullo uses a giant cartoon mallet to nail Cicero's soft, pink hands to the Senate door. Well, I guess Cicero is stuck up now, in a sense. And I hope Pullo at least washed the peach juice off them first.

Octavian's back in Rome, in Caesar's villa. Posca rushes into his office -- where he's hanging out with Agrippa and Maecenas -- with more names from Mark Antony. "Antony has many enemies," says Posca. "It takes time to remember them all." Agrippa protests that maybe the thousand or so they've already killed might be enough. A thousand? Holy crap, this is a massacre. ["Yes, as I recall this segment was among the less boring in Tacitus." -- Wing Chun] Maecenas coldly remarks that they have to pay their soldiers somehow. Octavian sides with Agrippa: "We do not want to appear butchers." "Certainly not," Maecenas snots, thinking, "Sissius Marius." Disturbed at how things are going (and the fact that his wide-eyed, open-mouthed expression of distress makes him look exactly like Kellie Martin), Agrippa leaves the room.

Out in the courtyard, Agrippa's joined by Octavia, who isn't about to improve his mood any. She teases, "It's tiring work, I imagine, killing people. Even defenseless ones." As she sits down next to him, Agrippa makes the excuse that they'll let most of their victims escape into exile, so that they'll lose only their property. "So just ruined," Octavia says. "That's all right, then." Agrippa says it's all -- say it with me and Octavia -- "for the good of the Republic." He's about to leave, but she stops him and asks why he's been avoiding her. He says that it's to avoid any "awkwardness," which of course makes her say he doesn't really love her after all. Pained, Agrippa begs Octavia to disregard whatever she's read in that bestselling scroll, He Be Just Not That Into You, and says it's not like anything can happen between them anyway. Octavia asks if that isn't up to her, and Agrippa says that of course it isn't. He's the son of a nobody and the grandson of a slave: "You'll marry some useful nobleman of your brother's choosing." This of course completely bums her out. Agrippa apologizes and starts talking again, and the next thing you know, they're kissing. He quickly cuts it off and jumps to attention when they hear a door close. Maecenas comes around the corner, politely greeting Octavia and telling Agrippa, "We can't find the wretched blasted figures for the blasted tax projections." Such language, and in front of a lady! My stars! Agrippa scampers off to go find them. Maecenas looks like he's about to say something to Octavia, but then decides otherwise and leaves her sitting there. Amazing: he can shut up. He leaves Octavia smiling to herself all schoolgirly. If girls went to school in ancient Rome, that is.

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