Stealing From Saturn

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: C | 1 USERS: B+
Toga Parties

Inside the temple, a large, bronze statue of Jupiter sits, holding a plate of something with one hand while using the other to boldly gesture, "Who's the man? Who's the optimus maximus? Thass right, mortal bitches. Recognize." At Jupiter's feet sit five priests, of whom Caesar requests auguries "so that Rome might know if the gods favor my actions." The Chief Augur points out that Caesar entered Rome under arms: "I must warn you, that seldom augurs well." Kind of odd to hear somebody using that expression literally. Caesar says that the gods know his intentions are peaceful, and so must the people. The priests consult, and the Chief Augur says that auguries will be taken "on the first clean morning." Whatever a clean morning is. Caesar nods gratefully.

Posca approaches Julii Cooper's house, where her staff is busily cleaning up and/or painting over graffiti that's been scrawled on its walls. Since the hostile Latin phrases went largely over my head last week, they're fixing that this week by showing us one that simply reads "Caesar Tyrannus" over a large drawing of a head fellating a giant cock. Well, I guess Latin isn't as difficult as I thought. The servant reaches the front gate and meets Julii Cooper's slave, Castor. They greet each other warmly, commiserating over each other's positions in life. Posca calls himself "a slave of a rebel," while Castor says, "For true misery, try bondage to a bloody-minded woman." I suppose that if she's in the habit of doing stuff like this, some is bound to leak through. The two men go inside the compound and take a seat as Caesar's guy relays his boss's request for no shellfish at the party Julii Cooper's apparently hosting today -- her third in as many episodes, the hedonist -- and Castor looks over the guest list that Caesar has sent along. Posca says he hopes Julii Cooper is aware of the honor given her: "She is first lady of Rome, in effect." Castor wonders what that makes Caesar's wife, then. Posca explains that Caesar needs Calpurnia to be pretty much a statue of sorts. Lucky, lucky Calpurnia. Posca, noticing Castor's attention to the list, says that it includes "every aristo and optimate left in the city." Castor asks seriously, "Caesar's not planning on killing them, is he?" Posca casually but just as seriously says he doesn't think so. "My mistress doesn't like surprises," Castor warns. I'll bet she doesn't like being killed, either. She seems like the type.

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