Stealing From Saturn

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: C | 1 USERS: B+
Toga Parties

Julii Cooper's first unpleasant surprise of the day has already presented itself, as she goes over the guest list in her bedchamber, surrounded by her slave women as well as Castor. The big question on her mind is why Caesar is inviting Servilia of the Julii. She wonders if there's anything going on between Caesar and "a raddled old sandal like her." She says she won't let Servilia get between her and Caesar, and hops over onto the bed, where Mark Antony is peacefully sleeping. At least, he is until Julii Cooper spoons up and taps him on the back, asking why Servilia's invited. "On account of her son, obviously," Mark Antony slurs sleepily. "For this you wake me?" Without getting off of him, Julii Cooper takes the chance to assure herself that Caesar's merely maintaining a symbolic friendship with Brutus: "There's no love there. It's just politics." Funny, if you replace the word "love" in that comment with "sex," "violence," or "almost anything remotely interesting," you end up with a pretty decent recaplet of this episode. "Dear gods, woman, would you let me sleep?" Mark Antony moans. Way ahead of you there, dudeus.

Extreme close-up of the testicles being sliced off of a fresh goat carcass. I so did not need to see that. But I'm better off than Octavian, who has the sliced-up delicacy presented to him at breakfast with his mother. Suddenly I'm recapping Fear Factor. While Octavia skulks behind the foliage in the courtyard, Julii Cooper tells her son, "Eat them while they're warm, my dear. They'll put oak in your penis." Ow, that sounds painful. Oh, she means from the inside. Octavian and his new, less Christopher-Atkins-ish haircut refuse. Julii Cooper insists, "You've been developing a distinctly feminine anima and I do not like it." Octavian says that he's normal for his age, but Julii Cooper says that there wasn't a slave girl safe when her grandfather was Octavian's age. If she has to go back four generations, it's not such a strong argument, I'm thinking. She says Octavian's not leaving until he eats his testicles like a good boy. Julii Cooper's cook Demeter arrives in time to receive Julii Cooper's instructions for no shellfish: "And be sure the lampreys are not overcooked. Boil them long enough to kill them, no more." How much worse than the cuisine Octavian's used to can goat testicles be? Realizing his mom's not bluffing, Octavian takes a bite and gags almost immediately. Julii Cooper leaves him to it, satisfied that her instructions are being followed. As usual.

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