Max "Should Old And Gay Flex Pecs A Lot" Evans and Maria "Should Blah Blah Blah Snotcakes" DeLuca walk through a dusty field under the cover of darkness, as the words "Seven and a half hours earlier" captionate beneath them. That's 12:01 AM, for those of you playing at home. How effortlessly we vault through space and time! How fractured, the narrative! Before Max has a chance to rip off his shirt and tattoo the words "John G. raped and murdered the integrity of network television" on his chest, he asks Maria cryptically, "You ready?" Maria responds we're-not-talking-about-sex-here-ily, "I have been waiting for this my whole life. I am so ready." Max rallies them with a "Let's go." They walk up a hill. The end.

Not. Fuck.

Opening credits: More like "Di-don't."

It's "6:32 PM" on the eve owned and operated by Mr. New Year. At the Ramirez hiz-ouse (hey, there's finally a minority of some kind on this show…can't we be just a little street about it all?), Isabel wears a slinky red dress and sets a dinner table to Martha-Stewart-y perfection. She looks around the room to note that the candles have not been lit, so she waves an arm and they all blaze to life. Up to and including the one to the far left of your screen (well, my screen, because you're not watching this train wreck anymore, are you?), which ignites several seconds before she raises her arm in the first place. Now that's a power, right there. The power of crap effects editing. The phone rings just then, and Isabel picks it up to hear her hiz-usband on the other end of the line, pleading, "Don't be mad." As a tape of airport sound effects whooshes up, we cut to Jesse on an airport payphone (because what high-powered lawyer with a house and wife of his own has ever used a cell phone?), telling Isabel that he's in "Houston. And I just missed my connecting flight." Gay slang, of course. She sighs that it's "okay," but he realizes it isn't, and tells her, "Do me a favor -- don't just sit at home alone, okay? Go out, have a good time, enjoy the night for both of us." She's unconvinced, but he tells her that it's bad enough he'll be "stuck in an airport" (there's that slang again), and that she should go and paint the town a rosy shade of non-gay-husband for both of them. But what a nice and caring hiz-usband he is, no?