Roswell
A Tale Of Two Parties

Episode Report Card
Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Hang, over

Maria cheerily makes her way to the back to punch the clock, but on her way bumps into Michael, who is sneaking in through the back door. Michael already knows the backstory we were so unmercifully non-spared, asking, "So, Enigma, huh?" Tragically on the defensive, Maria lobs back, "Yep. And no, I don't think it's lame or stupid or any of the other fifteen insults you're about to spew out." Jay-sus. Someone feeling a little self-conscious about her plans to scope out the set of Go, or whatever passes for a secret party in a corrugated shack here in the new millennium. Maria asks what Michael will be doing tonight, and after she deduces he'll be by himself, she asks, "What about Max? Why don't you two go look for a party or something?" Michael sarcastically derides Max and his boring character construction as "the original party animal" (Spuds Mackenzie, meanwhile, is all, "Whatever"), and wishes Maria a "have fun" before faking out the door. Maria stops him and asks if he'd like to come with her, but Michael fears that might affect their non-dating status. "It's not a date," Maria backstories upriver, paddling as hard as she can. "It's not a date. It's a scavenger hunt, looking for party clues." Michael takes nine seconds of dead air to agree. Meanwhile, we're a full segment in here, and all I've got over at my place is Carl Reiner, and who I think is Bernie Mac pulling up in a cab. Get on it, Roswell. We're wasting valuable Pitt time here.

Den Of Porno. Kyle is on his knees in front of a large Buddha statue. He meditates in continued silence (Jesus, people. If there's not enough material to fill a whole hour, I'm sure Mr. New Year would be happy to give you the damn day off), until finally deigning to speak the line, "Now that my immortal soul has been cleansed" -- he takes two quick hits of Binaca and coughs slightly, which would be vaguely amusing were it not so darned odd -- "on to more terrestrial concerns. It's been a dry couple of years. I need a woman. I need her badly. I need her tonight." 'Cause he's not sleeping. There's something about her, girl, that makes him sweat. But the doorbell at the Den Of Porno would rather sound off noisily than hear me wail through another measure of INXS, and Kyle responds to the distraction by telling the statue, "If that's a Jehovah's Witness, I'm coming back here." Kyle walks to the door to find Isabel, smiling and informing Kyle that it's his "lucky night." She then holds up a VHS tape and announces as perkily as she's got it in her, "Rudolph's Shiny New Year!" But Kyle is going out "to that Enigma thing." Isabel would rather chill with Rudolph, and her repeated entreaties for Kyle to stick around are accompanied by a series of ghastly shiny Tom Cruise-esque smiles that only drive him further away. He tells her that his night is entirely concerned with "sex and death," and allows her to tag along.

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Roswell

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