A Tale Of Two Parties

Episode Report Card
Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
Hang, over

Liz is calling bingo numbers, and suddenly…she loves the aged and infirmed! How they teach us such valuable lessons about life and love. Porno strolls through the dining room and takes a seat at the counter next to Slackjaw, who tells Porno, "An hour ago, you'd have thought that she was sentenced to work here tonight." Which she was. And so I would have thought it. In reality, we all would have thought it together. In fact, we're all thinking it right now. WAKE UP, DAMMIT. Sigh. Sorry. The New Year is making me itchy and unpleasant. Anyway, talk soon turns to the popular topic of Max Evans, as a slowly obsessed Slackjaw asks Porno what he "thinks" of Max. Awwwww. Middle-aged men and their crushes. Personally, I think Max likes Slackjaw. I just don't think he like likes him. You know? Of course you do. Either way, Porno blinds me with his and-then-the-Graceland-gift-shop-tried-to-kill-and-eat-me black button-down shirt with two gold embroidered guitars on it, before responding, "Honestly, I think a great deal of him. I think he's a very special kid." Slackjaw says he used to feel that way as well, but no more. But Porno is a defender of Max's honor: "Max screwed up big-time. He put your daughter in danger, and there's no excuse for that. But since you seem to be asking my opinion, I think Max is a good kid who made a big mistake. And I truly believe that he's learned from it. And I think he really does love your daughter. He deserves a second chance." Mysterious Judy then wins bingo because she's the only typecast bingo-loving old broad the UPN can afford to pay. Then she thinks about how much she enjoys bridge and mah-jongg as well. But she's hip, too. Because they always are on TV, aren’t they? But as soon as she starts jiving around the Crashdown to "Rapper's Delight," I'm leaving. Fuck it. I'm leaving anyway.

Liz sees Maria at the kitchen door and runs back to see what's the fuss. "Night from hell," Maria bellows twice, and Liz chokes out a half-heartedly concerned I'm-only-helpful-in-the-animal-emergency-room-really, "What's up?" Maria gives her back a convenient, "Michael's up. Very up." Because of how Liz asked, "What's up?" So, ha. They enter Liz's room to find Michael levitating several poorly-CGIed inches above the bed, Max holding a hand above Michael's abdomen because -- well, I don't know why at all.

Okay! I get it! Isabel and Kyle have chemistry! Uncle! Uncle, already! Now give them something real to do. And this right here ain't it. They enter a house (is this the same fraternity house from five seconds ago?), Kyle announcing, "This is a college party. A frat house. Why am I here?" Isabel tells Michael that he has to set his sights "a little higher than high school," and they go about scoping the room for a score for Kyle. As such, Isabel eschews "Bernadette Tahoe" on the basis that she is "dumb as a fencepost and only likes girls," which is a finely phrased line in a lot of ways. Isabel indicates a blonde hussy named "Bitsy" who Isabel calls "the girl of [his] dreams," and Isabel introduces them. She is the girl of his dreams. She's four eleven if she's an inch.

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