Roswell
Busted

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Bring 'Em Young

Back outside, a mysterious car sits in front of Sam's House Of Sudden Endless Relevance. Inside of said car, an older man in a fedora speaks with an Italian-esque patois into a cell phone, "Yeah, I, uh, wanna repawt an awmed robbery in prawgress. At Sam's Quick Stawp on Highway 65. Yeah, hurry." Thank you for your contribution to the Glorified Extra Fund, Mr. Sin-NOT-tra.

Moving away the wall panel he red-laser-beamed so effortlessly (damn gangs, tearing this city apart), Max reveals a metal wall safe, which he opens easily. Another door opens, revealing a singular light and a staircase leading down. What's going on with the complex hall of mazes? Did I sit on my remote and accidentally switch over to Zork: The TV Show? For the love of all things, Max, switch your lantern on down there or you'll be eaten whole by a lurking grue! Sigh. They never listen. And next thing you know, lurking grue. Anyway, banter continues upstairs, as Liz keeps Sam's Henchman on the floor and the two perform the wholly original "I have a family!" passion play. Down the flight of stairs now, Max enters a huge room containing what looks like a giant spacecraft of some kind. He takes off the ski mask and gazes upon it. He then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crystal, which immediately begins to glow. He holds it up, and against the side of the Good Ship Tin-Foil-Pop appears a symbol, a sign, an insignia of some kind. Awwww. Mysteriously glowing orbs and the language of Zapf Dingbats. You'd better believe it's the same show, all right. As police sirens blare upstairs, lights blaze from the ship. Liz runs downstairs to fetch Max (referring to him by the secret armed-robbery name of, well, "Max") and the two leap into the car and take off. A police car rages behind them. Liz barks, "The gun," and Max takes the weapon, drops it onto the floor in front of him, waves a hand over it, and…turns it into mustard! Okay, no he doesn't, but conventional show wisdom dictates that he could if he wanted to. Sorry for the egregiously first-season reference there, folks, but on my honor, I had to stretch back that far because I couldn't remember one damn thing that happened on this show for the entirety of last season. And I think the "writers" would agree that that's probably all for the best, wouldn't you agree?

The chase is on! Up and down Dark Alley Boulevard, under The Covered Bridge That Time Forgot, through The Pre-Fab Corrugated Metal Warehouse District. Who knew that Utah was so seedy and asbestos-filled? From the commercials, you'd think the whole place was a paradise of fair-faced blond children playing happily on rocks with their nine teenage mothers. Well. Live and learn. Max holds up the mysteriously glowing orb, and Liz backstories a warning: "Max, they can't find out about the diamond!" Can we, you think? Max chucks the diamond out of the car, and it rolls back towards a dumpster containing the real script for this episode, as well as the notion of continuity that dictates Max could have, like, temporarily turned the diamond into a chicken and then changed it back later, or some such thing. More police cars come out of nowhere, and the convertible comes to a stop, surrounded. A cop leaps out of one car screaming the usual blah blah about hands where they can see them and whatnot. They violently muscle the couple out of the car, Liz cracking, "You got any powers for this?" Ooooh. A jokester! The sound of what I briefly think is my own laughter turns out to be the VCR in my bedroom, giggling at Gilmore Girls, then sighing contentedly, commenting just loudly enough for me to hear, "What on earth are you doing in there," and humming along to Carole King.

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Roswell

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