Roswell
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Bring 'Em Young

I don't know what period of the past we're in now. Everyone's all pissed off and depressed on every plane now and I can't tell them apart and I think I'm dumber than Roswell now and that makes me very, very sad. I think we're in the Valenti house, because we cut to Max alone in a room, staring at a piece of paper containing a pencil drawing of a diamond. Liz enters of her own volition (I'm sorry, was there a "Valenti House Key" promotional day at the Roswell Ice Bats game I missed out on? Get the hell out, people) and tells Max she's been looking for him. And the home of your ex-boyfriend, his lawman father, and your current boyfriend's impregnated interplanetary wife is exactly where you'd go to check first. Liz expresses some concern that Max is going through Tess's papers, but he cuts her off and reads from the paper, telling her that "it's a letter that Nasedo wrote before he died." What does it say, Max? What does it say? It says, "I am your one and only protector. I will protect you until the end. And if I ever die, this is the only way to communicate with your home." The only way? What about the granilith chamber? What about the spaceship that actually worked? What about the journal, the Skins, the husks, the harvest, New York City, and some freaky church in another weird state a lot of people have talked about but no one's actually ever been to -- what about those things? Or, as many of the viewers who decided to "just give that show after Buffy one chance before I turn off the TV and read a book or something" are currently asking, "What the hell is a 'Nasedo'?" Liz is sad: "And…" Max confirms that he has to contact his son. Liz asks, "I guess this part of your life isn't over after all?" No, Liz. It will never, ever, ever be over.

And who the hell chats it up with their public high school teachers on their cell phones? Nobody I'm not ever allowed to refer to by their first name is just handing me their digits to chit-chat while they're driving home from work. Apparently, Michael is being chewed out by Professor WB while wandering around the dumpster field from before the opening credits. But alas! He comes across the diamond orb and quickly terminates the call. But just at this moment, he turns around to see Frank Sin-NOT-tra standing behind him, packing some heat in Michael's direction. Sin-NOT-tra asks, "Who was that?" Michael explains that he's trying to graduate from high school. Inexplicable banter about getting a GED ensues, accomplishing nothing more than proving how many different dialects and accents and tones of voices are available for saying the letters "GED." Sin-NOT-tra finally gets on with it: "I gotta message faw y'friend, Max. Stop lookin'. The person I work for will do whatever is necessary t'stop him. Whatever. Is. Necessary." Michael tosses off the "yeah, whatever" of non-committal brash-dom, and Sin-NOT-tra fires off a round, which is, I guess, supposed to shock us. Even though he was holding a gun. He warns Michael not to be a smart-ass and takes off, turning over his shoulder to toss off his tagline, "Don't make me come back to Utah." Obviously, this disgruntled tourist hasn't taken in the Fair-Haired Frolicking Children Museum yet. Few can resist its subtle charms. You know. From the commercials.

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Roswell

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