Opening credits: Get a temp job, bitch.
The Southern California Vermont Institute Of Conveniently Timed Vacations. Liz "Tiffany Brissette" Parker and Maria "Just Plain 'Tiffany'" DeLuca walk down an outdoor lamp-lined path that has been in at least sixteen different episodes, including "Blind Date" and "The Toy House" and, uh, "Secrets and Lies." Just fucking with you on the last one; I've never actually even seen that episode. I was just trying to name sixteen episodes that that path appeared in. I couldn't even name sixteen episodes, period. I can't even count to sixteen. Is there a four in there somewhere? Anyway, Liz walks a step or two in front of Maria, who barks into a cell phone, "Michael, it's Maria. Please pick up the phone. Liz has this completely wrong idea that something's happened to Max, and I just need someone in Roswell to pick up the phone." Maria hangs up and suggests calling Jesse and Isabel. I say why not try Max himself? Oh, that's right. Because his cell phone must have puffed away in a cloud of dust, right along with his body, clothes, wallet, and spare pocket change. Strong old man death dust, that dust is. But I mean, Liz knows that "Max is dead." Maria rambles about the "connection" Liz and Max share, but says they can't really know anything until they know anything. Liz looks wildly around and notes, "I need some time." Here. Take a month off. And then, after that, forever. Maria calls after her that she's going to "find" Liz when she finds out that everything is okay, and Liz mutters a faraway "yeah." Blah. Please let As If kill in the ratings and stay on forever. If they threaten to cancel it and bring Roswell back, please do your part in the campaign and send small words to the network, to signal your devotion to words like "as" and "if." Send them a "so." Send them a "la," "ti," or "do." Send them a "blip." PLEASE.
Wait. What car is this? Porno drives a Jeep through a gaping hole in automotive continuity, weaving in and out of lanes. Jesse sits shotgun, trying to make a call on his cell phone. But a darned cell phone keeps ringing in the back seat, where a pasty and shot-up Isabel lies make-up-less in Michael's arms. Michael takes the cell phone out of Isabel's, um, brain, I think, and throws it in the back seat. Meanwhile, Jesse barks into his phone, "I got an emergency here, my wife is shot. If I could go to the hospital, I wouldn't be calling you!" The Eric Stoltz character on the other end appears to be uttering the "well then, you go to a hospital, bite the fucking bullet, and call a lawyer" portion of this dialogue rip-off exercise, and Michael asks from the back, "Are you sure about this doctor?" We learn that Jesse's medical professional is no doctor at all, but instead "an old friend from the neighborhood." They improv their next lines, which is ill-advised, and Jesse demands, "Just meet me at my apartment!" Porno interrupts, advising instead, "Go to my house. It's closer." Read: Jesse and Isabel's apartment has been ripped down and sold for scrap metal to the production team of As If. Which is a show I love because I've heard it's great. Good golly, people, that word of mouth is really catching on!