Michael Michael Motorcycle steams his Big Boy Bike over to the wreckage, arriving to find a parachute and a helmet which contains within it a human head! Actually, no, it totally doesn't. Psych! I'm totally in seventh grade. He picks up the helmet and reads the word "Griffin" off the side, screaming, "Griffin, you okay? Hey? Anybody?" Maybe Griffin is the name of the helmet. Good God, Michael and that helmet have really gotten close recently. Too bad everyone with big Jeeps who works for the government wants to keep them apart so badly, as just at that moment some big trucks drive up and the scary music begins to play. Michael rides off into the distance, helmet in tow. Sigh. The many-splendored wonders of a boy and his helmet. If only there had been an accompanying love story, that would have been the final shot of the most beautiful love story ever told.
Opening credits: Shut up, bitch.
Who's this guy? When we come back from commercial, we find ourselves watching Fake News Channel 14. You give them twenty-two minutes, they'll give you fake news. The Fake Newscaster in standing in front of a fountain at Fake City Hall, fake reporting, "Here we go again. That's the attitude of most local residents that another UFO has supposedly crashed outside of Roswell. While local merchants are hoping that this latest close encounter will stimulate Roswell's dwindling tourist business, local officials are downplaying the entire incident." And now back to the Fake Studio with Fake Bob and Fake Tina, for Fake Sports and the Fake Lottery, which this week is worth Fake $30 Million! Cut to aforementioned local merchant, where we find Geoff "Slackjaw" Parker all in a tizzy at the Crashdown. Liz is watching the news report on the Crashdown's TV (this show is so meta I think it just blew my mind), but she soon stops watching it when she realizes all the news is, in fact, fake. Slackjaw, carrying boxes of alien-themed ephemera, asks Liz, "Anything yet?" Liz notes that they're "downplaying it," which Slackjaw thinks is good for business, seeing as it's even better if "they make it look like a cover-up." Max trails behind, toting some boxes of his own, and Slackjaw asks him, "Would you mind remarking those prices?" Slackjaw tells him to "double everything," and tells Liz and Maria to remain on guard so they can "handle the rush." Maria, sitting at the front counter, inexplicably has the skirt of her Crashdown uniform hitched up to her neck. She is sitting very much not like a lady. And yet, she still listens to authority, shooting back a disbelieving, "The rush?" Slackjaw explains slack-jawingly, "You're too young to remember. Back in 1986, there was another unexplained incident outside of town. This place went wild." Ah, 1986. Mets in the World Series, Depeche Mode on top of the charts, Geoff Parker in the money. Good times, good times. Slackjaw asks Max to fetch some "alien neckties" from the back, and Liz offers to give him some podiatry, taking her leave as well. And though a mere six or seven episodes ago, Slackjaw sent his daughter off to a private school 90,000 miles away so she'd never see Max again, off they frolic together without Slackjaw batting an eye. He's rather go back to watching the fake broadcast, and he explains to Maria that if the military so much as drops the word "unexplained," they'll be "swimming in cash!" Wow. What a showboater. He must have learned all sorts of catchphrases from watching the Fake Game Shows on that channel he won't turn off.