Roswell
Crash

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Countdown to Ecstasy II: Nearly-Cancelled Boogaloo

Slackjaw has slipped into total, overwhelming, poke-him-with-sticks-and-look-at-him-in-his-small-padded-room-through-the-tiny-window state of dementia, staring at the Fake News and brokenly repeating, "Unexplained. Unexplained, baby. Unexplained. Say it. Say it!" We cut to Isabel "The Cook, The Thief, The Wife, And Her Gay Lover" Evans, dialing a phone and watching the same news report. She breathes a sigh of relief as Fake Guy Smiley reports that the press conference will probably reveal that "the UFO seen last night was an Air Force jet on a cross-country test flight." Isabel reaches Jesse's cell phone, but it rings several times first, so he's screening because it didn't go straight to voicemail. But really, do things with that couple ever go straight at all? She hangs up the phone in frustration, and a knock on the door causes her to yell a quick "hello?" into the phone before realizing that she was just, in fact, a big doofus. Nice touch, that touch. She answers the door to find her mother standing there. Bangs enters with a suitcase full of explication, launching right in: "Since the men we live with are in Delaware on business, I thought we should spend some money on clothes." Isabel is doubtful; is that really the kind of plan she should be leaving Jesse out of when it's so clear he'd enjoy it so much? But no matter, for Bangs just then looks around the room and asks, "What happened to all the furniture?" And indeed, all of the floor furniture is gone, and I don't think we know why, do we? It was all there last week, when Jesse returned home and sat on the couch, waiting for the Naked Chef to actually become naked. But now, gone. Isabel claims that she just wanted "a change," and it's dropped right there. And hence, I shall drop it as well. Bangs says that she spoke with Monopoly Nazi earlier and Jesse wasn't being himself, and she asks, "Did you two have a fight?" Isabel says everything is fine, perhaps overexplaining, "If there were [a problem], it would be about sex or money, one of which is great. And the other is the budget I'm about to ignore. Let's go buy me some shoes." Pardon me now for a moment while I go and never, ever talk about sex with my mother, ever.

Press conference in front of Fake City Hall. Slackjaw watches as an authoritative military man explains that a military jet crashed over Roswell and killed a pilot named "Theodore Griffin," and that "contrary to some reports, this was not -- I repeat, not -- a UFO or unexplained incident." Slackjaw mopes that it's "time for a 'going out of business' sale." Michael meanwhile, strides up to actual press conference, outside of real Fake City Hall, and looks upon "Connie Griffin, Colonel Griffin's daughter," who speaks of her father the hero and not her father the guy whose plane crashed into a UFO spacecraft. Michael interrupts a bereaved daughter's eulogy for her recently deceased father by yelling out, "Are you saying he didn't eject?" Connie affirms that he didn't have time, and strides off the podium. A mysterious man in a London Fog jacket looks upon Michael as if to say, "Why would we not all wear London Fog?"

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Roswell

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