Roswell
Four Aliens And A Baby

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It's Puffy In Repose at The House That Government Subsidy Built, where we join Michael "Michael Motorcycle" Guerin lost in thought (that thought being "I should have also ordered the cheesy bread") and staring blankly at The Black Cone Of Ambiguous Black Cone-ness. Into the room walks "Baby Got" Max Evans, who puts on his Marty McFly life vest coat ("Hey, kid. You jump ship?") and commences adventures in aimless antagonism: "Michael, you've been staring at that thing for hours." Michael, shoveling sunflower seeds off of the not-often-washed-I'm-sure kitchen counter and into his mouth like Cletus The Slack-Jawed Alien, shoots back, "It's part of a crashed alien ship, Maxwell." Max, a card-carrying member of the radical anti-staring-at-black-cones-for-hours party, continues his anti-cone launch with the non-plot non-developing, "I don't think it makes it any more interesting to watch." More interesting to watch than…what? At least he's not watching the UPN. Actually, he's in New Mexico and this network is run out of a garage, so maybe that cone is their local affiliate. If so, Michael had better exercise care. They say the cone adds ten pounds. Michael wants to know why Max won't take "this whole thing" more seriously, and Max attempts to draw a fine line between taking something seriously and obsessing. But Michael isn't interested in such semantics when ConeTV is putting out such pearls, and he spits back a theory for Max's approval: "Maybe there are enemy aliens on that ship." If there were, Max posits, they all probably died in the crash. But again Michael has a zinger at the ready, noting, "We didn't die in our crash." Oh, the things they teach on Cone these days. Michael asks what he should do with the cone, and Max facetiously retorts, "Keep watching. Make sure it doesn't hatch and release an army of enemy aliens." Michael replies that he liked Max better when he was "brooding and paranoid." Hey! Who said you could talk to your king like that? Where did you learn that kind of language and backtalk? Did you learn that from watching Cone?

Over at Ambiguous Science Locale, men in white suits and those giant biohazard hoods circle around what appears to a big mound of crystals. One man in giant black glasses that are about to become artistically significant notes, "I don't know how this thing flew." Drills and saws and other scientific-when-science-means-power-tools poke at the crystal ship, Black Glasses cautioning people to "be careful." He approaches a silvery nub on the end of the ship and puts a hand on it. Pause. Pause. Pause. Zzzzzzz. Whir. Wait! Something's happening. After a crashing sound that inspires Black Glasses to ask, "What the hell was that?" ("Well, sir, it seemed to be some kind of a crashing sound of some sort."), the alien Zapf Dingbats symbol appears on a panel of the ship, and the panel then slides open. Behind it is a blue glow, and inside of a tiny room is what appears to be a baby, wrapped in what appears to be ethereal interstellar tin foil of some kind. Good cooking tip to keep them wrapped in foil. That way they plump when you cook 'em. The baby, who from what I've heard has been seen on numerous television series, including Angel or Smackdown or My Guide To Becoming A Rock Star or some such thing, stares around as if to say, "I'm a baby. And I'm a star." He needs dark sunglasses and a catchphrase, STAT. He then watches patiently as may-fuckin'-hem suddenly breaks out in the lab, when the scientists experience a slo-mo "Aaaaaaargh!" and then they're all lying on the ground, dead. Blood everywhere. Is it Star Baby that's doing it? A shot of the black glasses, one lens smashed, lying upside-down on the floor, underscores the tragedy of numerous dead geeks. Even though I kind of have those glasses. A shadow moves in front of Star Baby, and whisks it out of its nestled little spot on the ship. I saw a show just like this last week on Cone. Oh, wait. I'm actually thinking of this show.

Opening credits: Hey, Ringo? I thought I told that bitch to chill!

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Roswell

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