Roswell
Four Aliens And A Baby

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Countdown to Ecstasy III: Rise of the Machines

Candles. Moody lighting. Er, excess panning. I don't like where this scene is going at all. And where it's going is over to Liz's bed, which contains an intertwined Max and Liz "Bot To Get You Into My Life" Parker, lip-smacking the lip mics to ten. Augh. Nasty nasty nasty. Nasty boys don't mean a thing. Just make it stop. And the worst part is that the whole ghastly spectacle is scored by a song I completely adore called "Destiny," by a band I used to think was kind of cool, Zero 7. I had it on really good authority from people whose musical sensibilities I trusted until recently that, and I quote, "Listening to Zero 7 makes you cool." Now Roswell listens to Zero 7. Let "cool" try and shake off the stink of that. But before I renounce the band forever, let me share with you the lyrics to the chorus of this song, which are extremely cool and make me not have to think about Max's boner for at least another few seconds:

When I'm weak I draw strength from you And when you're lost I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny.

Also recommended are "I Have Seen" and "In The Waiting Line," the latter of which is quite possibly the coolest song ever written about thinking waiting in line is stupid and confusing. Download it tonight. Go home happy. Thanks for your patience. I now no longer like Zero 7.

Right. Anyway. Boners. Finally disengaging herself from his mouth long enough for me to forget the deafening roar of Max's pearly yellows clacking against Liz's Aluminum Teeth Module Replica 5200s, Liz starts in, "It's really nice to be able to get close to you again. Y'know, without…" Max finishes it off (ew, not like that), "Without setting something on fire?" Blah blah blah something about flaming. Moving on. Max hooks an arm around her back and rolls right on top of her, and I find it disturbing beyond words that the credits choose this exact moment to display the name of a guest star containing the word "Woody." Augh again! Woody. At least he got the part over "Big Throbbing Cock Jones," though. I guess his look was just more right for the part. More of same. Max asks if "this is safe," and Liz assures Max that Slackjaw is "downstairs, working the grill." Now everything sounds like sex. Max's cell phone rings, and Liz reaches into the pocket of his jeans and finds it, sans even a simple "or are you just happy to see me" line of any kind. How restrained of the "writers" to sidestep it. Liz's room phone begins to ring then, and they let the machine pick it up. The outgoing message is Liz's voice informing the caller, "You got the Parkers, but we're not here. Leave a message." If that's their house answering machine, why is it based in Liz's room? And why did it only ring once? Sorry. I know this tangent is a bit boring and unnecessary, but I just can't look at what's going on right now. This is my version of thinking about baseball or the Queen or whatever. So I don't throw up. Anyway, it's Bangs on the machine. She's "trying to find Max. It's an emergency." Liz finally rolls off of Max and gets the phone, handing it off to him. He asks Bangs what the damn problem is, and she's no longer audible to us through the phone, so Max has to do that thing like, "What's that? You say that you want me to come over for a family dinner? You say it has to be tonight? Well, all right then. I will see you tonight for a family dinner at your house." In ten minutes. Fastest family dinner scheduling ever. Sadly, Max will have to take some time out from, uh, chomping Liz's metal. But he needs tungsten! Tungsten to liiiive!

Jesse "Jokin', Smokin', Midnight Token" Ramirez sits in the kitchen nook inside his mysteriously furniture-free apartment, eating the same crappy TV dinner that Max turned into such a fetching TV dinner two weeks ago. He looks mad; tater tots just inspire that kind of chemical reaction in some people, I guess. Isabel rants around the kitchen on the phone, informing her mother, "I don't want to argue about it. Is it really that big of a deal?" More ruzzah ruzzah and maybe even a few "peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb" later, Isabel is relenting and letting Bangs know, "Fine. We'll come over." She gets off the phone and tells a recalcitrant Jesse that they're going to her parents' house in ten minutes for dinner. Jesse notes the steaming giblets and puzzles out the logic problem, figuring, "I'm already eating." Isabel tells him to stop eating. Jesse levels that he doesn't want to see her parents, as he is "sick and tired of pretending." He stands up from the nook table, hunched over and screaming, while Isabel argues that she didn't want for him to have to deal with this and that's why she didn't want to tell him and blah. He practically pokes her in the ribs with his accusatory, "But you did, Isabel! You did!" And this will only become an archetypal UPN couples argument when she pokes him back and is all, "You think I did? You think I did? Oh, no you di-in't. Oh, NO you di-in't." For the love of AFTRA, everyone calm down. The two continue their arbitrary overlapping yelling, and the camera pulls back to show them framed in the arc of the kitchen nook from far across the room. Is this that middle dialogue section from the "Voices Carry" video? I guess we'll know when Jesse stamps his foot down and simmers out something about "this little hobby of yours."

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Roswell

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