MONDO EXTRAS

Over in the girls' hotel room, one of the girls shoves two tissues up her nose, claiming it's the only way she can hold pot smoke in. But uh-oh! Just as Adventures In Film Stock turn the scene hazy and reminiscent of what a mainstream audience might mistake for stoned (I guess there's no cinematic equivalent for eating an entire bag of Cheez Doodles, forgetting how to answer a ringing telephone, or even…wait, you guys are mad at me, aren't you?), Tissue Girl's tissues burst into flames and she starts freakin'. And we cut suddenly to the wah-chick-a-wah music and Simon with two girls at once (wha?), him claiming at the merciful end (that I can't recap in detail, as my fragile prudence will only allow for me to watch it once) that he was touched by "tantra, baby." Because everything in Vegas is about ending sentences with "baby." And then the room is on fire and Simon is running through the hotel hallways, practically naked. Oh. That Simon. He's got his clothes barely back on when he runs into Taye, and the two stride out of the hotel. Some John Stamos-esque figure tosses them the keys to his cherry-red cool-in-the-seventies convertible, thinking Taye is a valet, and the two take off as "Steal My Sunshine," the song to which I fully intend to be married, kicks up on the extremely brilliant Go soundtrack I can't believe it's taken me so long to mention. Simon finds a gun in the glove compartment, and hijinks ensue until Taye becomes infuriated and whips it away. Blah gun in the second act goes off in I guess the fourth, and we're in front of a club called Crazy Horse. I can barely make out the neon word "Topless" on my non-letterbox rented edition of the movie, and I can only hope that if someone or something is going to be topless, it's not going to be Simon again. Not that I don't love the guy, but, c'mon. On the way in, Taye warns Simon as such: "When you get up there, they're gonna ask you if you want to buy bottle of champagne. You don't. Champagne means you want a private dance, and you can't afford it and neither can I." Simon walks in and wastes about three seconds before informing a nearby blonde, "I would like to buy your most expensive bottle of champagne." This. Is going well.