Roswell
I Married An Alien

Episode Report Card
Djb: C+ | Grade It Now!
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I Wonder Tangentially About Jeannie

It's boys-will-be-boys-o'clock at the Ramirez place, Jesse and Scoop catching up and drinking beer and WHY WON'T HE JUST TAKE THE DAMN SWEATER OFF ALREADY? Interestingly, I have a sneaking suspicion that Jesse is thinking the exact same thing. Scoop investigatively sleuths out a CD from the rack next to the CD player, laughing at the couple, "I don't believe you guys still have this CD." What outdated chestnut could it be? Is it the Dido CD? Scoop hits play, and "Everybody Dance Now" by C+C Music Factory fills the room. Jesse is all, "Shut up, I do my jazzercise to that album," as Isabel escapes to her bedroom and wonders why the script tells her to feel so unsettled about all this.

Later. Oh, so very much later. The FootCam captures a highly unflattering shot of Jesse and Scoop with their feet on the coffee table and thousands of empty beer bottles strewn around them. Scoop observes, "Just like the good old days, man. Where's the bong?" I was so just asking that very question. Jesse shushes his friend, telling him, "She doesn't know I used to get high." Oh, come on. We all know someone who went to college. Now shut up, both of you, so I can better hear The Divinyls' "I Touch Myself" playing oh-so-imperceptibly in the background. I want you. I don't want anybody else. And when I think about you. I touch myself. Oooh. Oooh. Oooh oooh. Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah. But no luck, as they just keep talking. Scoop finds it wrong that Jesse is keeping secrets from Isabel, but Jesse says, "We're still getting to know each other." Jesse explains that he thinks she has a lot of secrets, like that "every once in a while something weird happens." He tells a riveting tale about trying to fix the icemaker, which he cannot fix but she does with merely a touch. Scoop thinks the story is pointless and boring. Scoop and I finally have something to talk about. "Well, what about her brother, Max? He breaks my nose the night before our wedding…" Scoop interjects, "He broke your nose?" I interject, "'Our' meaning 'your marriage to Max'?" Jesse promises, "It's a long story. I'll tell you later." Oh, whatever. Just read the recap. Scoop cracks himself up and posits, "Maybe she's an alien. Jesse, man, you married one of the Roswell aliens. It's like I Dreamed of Jeannie for the new millennium." I thought we were doing a Bewitched thing. And dude, it's not I Dreamed of Jeannie. It's Dream. Present tense. Still dreaming. Currently dreaming. Nearing REM as we speak. Zzzzzzzzzz. There. Report that, jackass. Sigh. Shut up, Scoop.

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Roswell

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