Roswell
Roswell

Episode Report Card
Djb: C- | 364 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
The best stuff is just so not in here

See, one of things that bugs the piss out of me about this show is that I never know if people are mad at each other or not or what. Because now that Max is staying at Michael's house and it's time once again to advance the plot of the Delicious SNAPPLE Brand Beverage, they're buddying up like old buddies, sitting in front of a case of the aforementioned Delicious SNAPPLE Brand Beverage, Max kicking things off: "So, you're gonna return the [Delicious] SNAPPLE [Brand Beverage]?" Michael marches on about the principle of things, saying that it's not fair to ruin someone's life over a juicy beverage (unless you order peach and they bring you diet peach. I freakin' hate the diet). Max monotones, "And this is ruining your life?" This scene is so intense that you couldn't dampen the dramatic fire even with a waterfall of refreshing, fruity-tastic Delicious SNAPPLE Brand Beverage. Michael again explains his situation with Steve The Stand-Up Beggar, wondering why he feels so much guilt about the guy's situation. "You see, there's you and Isabel. And you guys are like family. And then there's Maria. And she's…I don't know, she's Maria. And besides that, I've never had this feeling. But these guys. It's cool. We laugh. And talk. And…" But he is lost for words, thirsting for male companionship as he is, looking for a place where he can relax with numerous other men in a relaxed, male setting. I think I know the kind of place you're looking for, Michael. And you certainly don't need no clip-on tie there. Standing suddenly, Michael decides it's time to return the Delicious SNAPPLE Brand Beverage undetected, call in and report that it wasn't stolen, and get everyone's jobs back. Max trips the linguistic fantastic, telling Michael that what he proposes "isn't an idea. It's something you think about in your mind and then come up with something better." Something you think about in your mind? Shave. SHAVE!

Really porn-y music accompanies Michael's trip back to Not Too Distant Future Inc. He slides into the kitchen, a room illuminated by the light of only one shining beacon. Who guessed Snapple machine? Anyone? Takers? Thirsty? He finds the one empty rack where the Delicious SNAPPLE Brand Beverage once so proudly sat, sliding it back (I know he can change ketchup into mustard and all, and I'd also like to thank the continuity editor for having the good taste to change the case of Diet Peach he stole from the cafeteria into the case of Raspberry that he's returning. Thanks, guys!) and turning to leave. But hark! Crabney Coleman slides in right behind him, grabbing something from the fridge (does he want no SNAPPLE? Clearly it is he who is the bad guy) and retiring back into an off-limits kind of lab room. Where sneaky things can go on, because the room is made entirely of windows. Michael watches in pursed-lipped horror as Crabney empties some kind of vial something something and walks back out of the room. Michael speaks the words aloud, "[Crabney's] a thief!" Thanks, Greek Chorus. I didn't know you spoke Greek.

Roswell

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