Roswell
Michael, The Guys And The Great Snapple Caper

Episode Report Card
Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
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The best stuff is just so not in here

Crabney points the gun and demands the videotape. But just as he cocks it and I'm sure he's going to kill Michael -- just sure of it! -- the ceiling caves in at Michael's behest on both of them, just as Hanson bangs in behind them and says that they'll all be going down to the station. First, however, Michael insists they see the videotape. But the tape! It broke! So the tape! Michael fixes it! What was the point of having any of that happen, then? Feh. So close to the end, now. And so they watch, Hanson immediately handcuffing Crabney for no discernable crime that we as mere viewers can understand. What did he steal? How did Hanson know it was wrong? How did Hanson know anything was wrong? And why did that X-Files guy answer the phone when he called? But all's well now. I, um, guess.

What the FUCK? Back at The Waterless Pier, Max and Liz handglide off onto the moon with Max's haughty promise to "make all of [her] dreams come true." Her only dream is to do a live stage-reading of Baron Munchausen? That's so weird. That part must have been cut from the script. You guys watched. Tell me that wasn't the whole scene.

Kyle nervously hangs out with an ashtray and a humiliated expression on his face, while his dad's rock band tunes up on a small stage in a shitty little pub. The bartender asks if he's twenty-one, and Kyle gives her that "but didn't you hear me making fun of twenty-six-year-olds like a page and a half ago?" look and orders himself a coke. And then, the big show. Porno takes to the mic holding an acoustic guitar, warming up the crowd: "Ladies and gentlemen, I am Jim Valenti, and we are the Kit Shickers." Porno counts off, and the bands kicks into a country ditty that quite unfortunately turns into the most annoying Barenaked Ladies most annoying song, "If I Had A Million Dollars." More sugary-sweet than the kiwi-banana flavor (which I hate) and slightly less marketable than the green tea (hi. Who buys that shit? ["Your boss. Steal any and you're fired" -- Sars]), the crowd is up and whooping all excitedly by the end. And now they have their audience, and their financial situation is over. Ladies and gentlemen: how to become famous.

Max and Liz return to the Crashdown (he couldn't have dropped her off and taken her innocence in the parking lot, the better to have avoided the upcoming confrontation?), her sneaking upstairs and getting really dewy-eyed about him offering to fly a kite and be on it at the same time. She goes upstairs, and Max turns to leave, finding that Slackjaw has been sitting in the shadows of the bar. "I'm asking you man-to-man where you took my daughter in the middle of the night." Somehow there's no worse idea than the truth in this situation. Slackjaw rails at Max and insists, "Tell me that being with you doesn't put my little girl's life in jeopardy." Max has nothing to say. Slackjaw threatens that if Liz and Max are ever to speak again, she'll be shipped off to an all-girls' boarding school just to keep her away from Max. "Goodbye, Max." Max thinks of the sadness of having her in that awful, awful place all by herself. Girls? He doesn't even like girls.

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Roswell

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