Michael, The Guys And The Great Snapple Caper

Episode Report Card
Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
The best stuff is just so not in here

Really porn-y music accompanies Michael's trip back to Not Too Distant Future Inc. He slides into the kitchen, a room illuminated by the light of only one shining beacon. Who guessed Snapple machine? Anyone? Takers? Thirsty? He finds the one empty rack where the Delicious SNAPPLE Brand Beverage once so proudly sat, sliding it back (I know he can change ketchup into mustard and all, and I'd also like to thank the continuity editor for having the good taste to change the case of Diet Peach he stole from the cafeteria into the case of Raspberry that he's returning. Thanks, guys!) and turning to leave. But hark! Crabney Coleman slides in right behind him, grabbing something from the fridge (does he want no SNAPPLE? Clearly it is he who is the bad guy) and retiring back into an off-limits kind of lab room. Where sneaky things can go on, because the room is made entirely of windows. Michael watches in pursed-lipped horror as Crabney empties some kind of vial something something and walks back out of the room. Michael speaks the words aloud, "[Crabney's] a thief!" Thanks, Greek Chorus. I didn't know you spoke Greek.

Den Of Drunken Porno. Kyle now sits in the Porno chair, Porno sneaking in under the cover of darkness. Kyle evilly asks where his father was, and father responds to son, "I was out. Just out." Ah, but the roles are now reversed, with nary a Kirk Cameron/Dudley Moore/Judge Reinhold/Fred Savage acting credit, mysteriously. Porno admits that he's been drinking a bit, and Kyle wonders if that's part of his father's "new business plan." But much to hilarity-inducing surprise, we learn that…it is! Porno sits down near his son and requests that he "keep an open mind about this," reaching into his pocket (uh…) and pulling out a flyer reading, "Cow Patty's Bar & Grill / Come on Down and Step in it / APPEARING THURSDAY NIGHT / The Country Stylings of Jim Valenti and the Kit Shickers." Oh, my. And let me go on record right now as saying that I disagree with the vast amount of capitalizations on that flyer, from "Down" and "Step" to the braggadocio of "THURSDAY NIGHT." Everyone knows that if something is going to get full-capitalization here, it's going to be thirst-quenching, cancer-curing, flea-and-tick-ridding corporate underwriter SNAPPLE. Hey, Thursday? You want to kick in the dough, you can get the all caps in the future. And they don't even make a peach-flavored Thursday, do they? Stupid Thursday.

But Kyle isn't so much in a parsing-of-syntactical-phrasing mood, is he? He simmers with rage, asking Porno, "How much does this pay?" Porno explains that it's not very much and that they "get a percentage of the door, but it's gonna take a little while to build up an audience." Kyle explodes, "This is your big business plan? This is it? I've been working my ass off every day at a job I hate and this is your big idea. Dad, we're behind in the mortgage. But I'm sure the mortgage company will calm down once they realize that all you have to do is build up an audience." Porno's voice cracks when he apologizes, and Kyle tries to calm down enough to explain that he sympathizes with his father, but "you know what I'm saying. Good night, Dad." I liked that scene a lot more before I knew how this episode ended.

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