Off The Menu

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | Grade It Now!
Off. The fricking. Map.

Crashdown kitchen. The Ferret -- sans hairnet -- flips a couple of burgers on the grill. Isabel thinks his method of cooking will take up far too much of their precious time. She waves a hand over the half-dozen beef patties, frying them instantly, despite the Ferret's assertion the food will "taste funny" as a result. Liz whines about the fries. The Ferret tosses some alien voodoo at the deep fryer. Problem solved. Out in the dining area, Porno fits Liz with a small surveillance camera on the lapel of her coat. Why do these people trust Liz with surveillance equipment? She always screws it up. Porno basically instructs her to get in there, drop off the food, and get out. Liz agrees to the plan. Yeah, this is going to work out just fine. Not. Liz accepts the box of food from Isabel and exits the diner.

Down in the alien exhibition hall, the Hostage Five nervously await the Lizbot's entrance. Brodek buzzes her into El Centro and helps her through the barricade on the staircase. She refuses his offer of payment for his order, but he insists she take it. "I think I'm rich," he casually remarks. Shut up, Brodek. Liz stalls, attempting to swing the MiniCam around enough to give Porno a view of the room's layout, but she eventually turns to go. Brodek chomps into a hamburger, notes the "alien taste," and stops her. Why does the food taste different? Power's out. They had to use a butane grill. Then what about the French fries? Um, uh oh. Brodek accuses the Lizbot of "using alien power" to prepare the food, and physically hurls her back into the room. Max rises to stop further abuse of his purported girlfriend. Brodek shuts him down. My So-Called Sean slyly extends his foot in Brodek's path. Brodek trips, wiping up the floor with his face. The pistol clatters off on the concrete, but Brodek snatches it back up before Sean can kick it further away. Porno rings Maria's cell phone, distracting the psycho for a moment. My-So Called Sean tells Liz to reach into his pocket, pull out the switchblade she finds therein, and cut the tape from his hands. She complies. Brodek rants. Sean quietly stalks up behind him, knife at the ready. Max, King of the Fuckwitted, bellows, "Sean! NO!" Why, Max? For God's sake, why? If Sean knifes Brodek, the hostage situation ends, and you're free to heal the psycho at your leisure. No wonder you lost an entire planet, you halfwit. Brodek spins on his heel. Violent manly tussling. Concerned looks. Fallen exhibits. Brodek emerges victorious, bloody shiv clutched awkwardly in his left hand. Gasps. Expressions of terror. Maria buries her face in her mother's shoulder. A full-throated wail from the Lizbot. Max with his patented expression of no expression at all. Brodek stands above the bleeding ex-con, slowly realizing what he's done. Commercial. God, will this episode never end?

El Centro. Brodek screams maniacally in triumph and kicks over a stack of boxes. Amy and Maria tend to My So-Called Stabbing Victim, who took it in the stomach. Liz scurries to Max's side, urging him to work his alien healing magic on the fallen DeLuca. Max directs her attention to the Triangulated Ambulatory Gesticulation hanging on a post over their heads. As long as it's activated, My So-Called Stabbing Victim bleeds. They also bicker about whether Brodek's life is more valuable than My So-Called Stabbing Victim's. Back when this was originally to air, such bickering would seem to indicate Max's lingering resentment over Liz's burgeoning friendship with the errant DeLuca. Since he knocked up Agnetha over there in the weeks that followed, the bickering, like much of rest of this episode, now has no point. At all.

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