Roswell
Off The Menu

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Demian: F | Grade It Now!
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Off. The fricking. Map.

Aerie of the Lizbot. Porno frets over the instant replay of My So-Called Stabbing Victim's unfortunate tangle with the Brodek. Deputy Duh intrudes. Seems he's scraped together enough loose change since their last encounter to buy something resembling a clue. He wonders why Porno warned him away from El Centro. He wonders why Porno has liberated the "department's laptop" from the sheriff's office. I wonder why his cracker accent fades in and out, seemingly of its own volition. The cleft in Deputy Duh's chin demands an explanation. Porno stumbles through a feeble excuse, but the Cleft -- it knows he is lying. The Cleft determines El Centro is the scene of "a hostage situation" and leaves to "take action." Porno calls after the Cleft, to no avail.

El Centro Exhibition Hall. The female humans huddle over the prone form of My So-Called Stabbing Victim. Tess cautiously asks Max if he still loves Liz. Max: "It's hard to describe what I feel for Liz." "Hard" is not a word I need to hear in that context. Tess with the "we're interplanetary soul mates" blather. Max with the "still not having it" retorts. See above comment regarding one Tess and the knocking up thereof for my thoughts on the current relevance of this conversation. And still it drags on. My So-Called Stabbing Victim asks Liz for a dinner date. Maria wonders how he "can be wounded and still on the make at the same time." Liz needs "to think about" the offer. Maria reminds Liz she's currently involved with that slab of hybrid alien man meat trussed up in the corner. No, she's not. Five weeks ago, maybe -- and even back then I had a hard time believing it. The slab of hybrid alien man meat announces his intention to "do something before more people get hurt." Tess would like to know what that "something" entails. Max proposes to tell Brodek the truth.

Aerie. Hooray! It's Kyle! He crawls out through Liz's bedroom window to tell his father Deputy Duh called in "sharpshooters" from "the state police" to storm El Centro de UFOs y Hostages. In response to this bit of news, Porno again consults the purloined departmental laptop. The Lizbot continues to transmit images from deep within the exhibition hall. Porno catches sight of the "fallout shelter's lockdown mechanism." He determines that, should they find a way to activate the mechanism from outside El Centro, they can perhaps delay the incoming S.W.A.T. team long enough to end the situation peacefully. He sends Kyle on a mission to the library to dig up El Centro's blueprints. Kyle: "The library's closed." Porno: "Kick the window in! Go!" Chalk another one up to Porno's ineffable knack for contributing to the delinquency of minors. Kyle takes off just in time to miss the image on the computer screen of Max rising to his feet.

Cut to the hall. Max, still bound, walks over to Brodek as the gals of Roswell peer apprehensively from the floor. Liz none-too-subtly aims the surveillance camera on her lapel at the action that follows. These people are so relentlessly, so brutally stupid, I'm at an utter loss for words. Max intones, promo-style, "I am an alien. I am the king of another planet, and Tess is my wife." Brodek is intrigued as DeLucawitz quietly snarks something about "reverse psychology" in the background. Max confirms all of Brodek's suspicions, and answers all of his subsequent questions regarding the alien presence on Earth and their plans to return to their home planet. The answers mollify Brodek, who moves to disarm and discard his pistol. If only the idiot Lizbot had a couple of functioning brain cells firing in that vast, empty cavern she calls a head. At the last minute, Brodek notices the MiniCam on Liz's coat. Enraged, he stomps across the room to loom over her kneeling figure. "She's wearing a camera!" Yeah, we know. "I'm going to kill you!" If only. You know the bullets are just going to ricochet off the exterior alloys. Porno gapes. Lizbot simpers. Brodek menaces. And we fade to commercial with twenty goddamn minutes to go.

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Roswell

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