Roswell
Off The Menu

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Off. The fricking. Map.

Max is hurled backwards as he shuts down the connection with Brody. Brody, meanwhile, is back to his dizzy old self. He gazes at the pistol in his hand as if he's never seen it before. Which I find hard to believe, as he's been keeping it in that damn filing cabinet all this time. Max removes the clip from the automatic and tells Brody he was "abducted" again. Max, Maria, and Brody hustle back to the office as the tech with the blowtorch comes closer to cutting through the upstairs door. In the office, DeLucawitz, again overjoyed, throws herself on Maria the moment she enters. Maria tries to shrug her mother off. Snicker. Max pulls the old "you saw nothing, yes?" thing on the assembled human throng, but My So-Called Stabbing Victim and his aunt tell him to can it. My So-Called Stabbing Victim insists Brody be put away, preferably for a very long time. Maria plays the "but Brody's a single parent, too" card. No go. DeLucawitz calls Brody "a danger to his family, his neighbors, [and] his whole community." She will "not be part of a cover-up." Useless intercut shots of the blowtorching in progress and Max's panicked reaction. My So-Called Stabbing Victim is more easily persuaded. Liz basically offers exclusive first-run access to her private cookie jar, and that's enough for him. Upstairs, the torching of the door is finished. Deputy Duh orders his men "into position." Not like that. Ew. In the office, DeLucawitz continues to refuse "to lie about what happened." Tess cuts her short with a "mind warp." After a moment, Amy's posture relaxes as she languidly glances up at the ceiling. "Do you think they're ever gonna get this power back on?" Tess, in an aside, assures Max that "[Amy] won't remember any of it."

The police meanwhile have clomped their way into the main exhibition area, guns drawn. Porno, Isabel, and the Ferret trail in behind them. Way to secure a potential crime scene, you dimwits. The gang emerges from the office. DeLucawitz effusively greets Deputy Duh. My So-Called Stabbing Victim notes that he "thought [they'd] be stuck down [there] for days." Deputy Duh demands to know the reason for all the bullet holes, and why is the El Centro exhibition hall such a mess? Max rather unconvincingly notes they're in the middle of "remodeling." Unconvincing, yes, but Deputy Duh is a nimrod. Brody finds the CD containing the digitally-recorded evidence of the Lime Green Jell-O Shield Of Royal Alien Protection, and wonders what it is. The Cleft would like to know as well. Max snatches the CD from his employer's hand and improvises. "Michael. I downloaded that band off of Napster for you." Oy. Do I have to deal with that? Okay. Even if this episode blah had aired in blah blah April, that blee bling "joke" still would have blarg reeked like the blee blay blow bloated carcass of a...oh, forget it. It sucks, okay? How's that? The "joke" sucks. The various participants in this evening's festivities depart, leaving My So-Called Stabbing Victim alone with Deputy Duh. The Cleft -- it is somehow dissatisfied with the explanations it has received. Deputy Duh shines his flashlight on the "George W. Is An Alien" t-shirt My So-Called Stabbing Victim wears to hide the gaping, bloody wound in his torso. "I can get you one," Sean helpfully offers. He means a t-shirt, not a gaping, bloody wound to the torso. Oh, and: Heh.

A brief (and pointless) coda between Maria and Brody the following morning at the Crashdown. She returns Sydney's photo. He was unaware she had borrowed it. He makes nice with the "I feel like you're always here protecting me" sentiments. Maria beams. Whatever. Go away, Brody. We know we're never going to see you again, so just get gone.

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Roswell

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