Roswell
Rites Of Passage

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Sars: F | Grade It Now!
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Shites Of Passage

Okay, so we can't really give you a straight recap of the movie (and we fully intend that pun on "straight," mind you, since the gay sex we looked forward to with about as much eagerness as the average botched flu shot never graced my 19-inch...screen), because in between bouts of Vivarin-snorting, we spent the bulk of the film fast-forwarding, screaming, "Where's the gay sex, goddammit?" and then fielding the resultant offended phone calls from the neighbors, and trying to figure out how the Dictaphone worked. Thank God in His heaven that Gustave brought beer (and straws), or we'd never have made it.

Warning: 1) Not for the politically correct. 2) Not for those who expect anything herein to make sense. 3) Not.

And now, a quick aside to any employees of Kozmo.com -- look, I just forgot, okay? I didn't, like, keep the movie to watch it again. I just forgot to return it. So just delete the part of my permanent cookie or file or whatever in which you laugh at me because you think I'm doing screen captures of Jason Behr's non-gay non-sex scenes. Because I didn't. And won't. Ever. Simple oversight.

Okay, back to the non-recap, in which Sars and Djb waste a perfectly good Saturday afternoon transcribing the taped version of their comments during the movie. Here's the highlight reel...

The end.

Psych! Okay, really. Here's the highlights. No, seriously.

A sarcastic endorsement of the font used in the title sequence.

Sars reacts to a shot of a truck ascending a hill by sounding the false alarm: "Oh my god, is that his penis?" Needless to say, the answer to that question: no.

Truck shot continues. Djb bemoans the "Dean Stockwell vanity project." Ballyhooed campfire scene is spotted. No sex so far, gay or otherwise.

Then there's a break in the tape. I think it's because Gustave called to see if he could pick up his Popular tape. Plus we can't understand anything on the tape anyway, because we either sound like Alvin and Theodore or like the grubby leather-clad guy in Raising Arizona, depending on the tape speed.

And now, on with the non-recap. Again. Like I said before.

Djb says something about the Coolidge administration, which we found really funny at the time, but we don't know what it refers to now. Then Djb thinks aloud that "it won't be the last time one man says to another 'don't point that thing at me' in this movie." He admits that he was wrong about that. Painfully, horribly wrong.

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Roswell

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